Hi! I’m the annual standardized test every American child is forced to take for no other reason than to collect data on the average human’s intelligence! Your school has been preparing you for the past month to take this test. Oh wait, they haven’t? Well, just the same, everyone is expected to get an average score that’s at least five whole points higher than the last group of students your age who took it. Never mind that you are different people with different backgrounds, parents, and genetic material. This is how we measure humans - against other humans. 
Let’s begin by reviewing how to properly fill in a bubble on everyone’s favourite piece of paper - the scantron. Once you’ve selected an answer in your test booklet, fill in the corresponding bubble on the scantron and remember to make your mark heavy and dark. Then move onto the next question. You think you made a mistake? That’s okay because now you have to figure out how to completely erase your heavy and dark mark without tearing and crumpling the paper, or crying and giving up on life. You have two options at this point: try to alter your answer and unintentionally leave two answers, or just forget the correction. You’re destined to fail no matter which option you choose.
Before explaining the next section of the test, we must swear you to secrecy for the rest of your life, or at least for as long it takes for the meme artists to immortalize this year’s test in all of its silliness, with spreading toast with socks and “parking carcasses on chairs.” The test’s binding contract requires your signature, in pencil, and without witnesses. After all, your scores are so important, we wouldn’t want to have to dole out empty threats to invalidate your test. Because honestly, who’s got time for that?
You’ll probably have to write an essay too. That means it’s time to forget everything your teachers told you about rhetorical thesis and argument body paragraph format because chances are at the end of this five hour testing period you won’t be able to remember any of that stuff anyway. Although students ridicule it as child abuse, it’s a well-known fact that cramming kids between the ages of 14 and 18 into alphabetized rooms for five hours at a time is a proven way to suck the vitality out of everyone while increasing overall test performance and definitely not triggering anyone’s ADHD. It’s not child abuse; it’s preparation for life regardless of your score. Good luck!