I am still in disbelief that an incident of such epic proportions can take place so unexpectedly. It was all so fast, yet terribly slow. I am also ashamed to say, that from one incident, I am now seeing a therapist. She had suggested for me to write down my thoughts, to perhaps alleviate myself of the anxiety. It hasn’t work. But I am just so desperate; I’m going to try one more time.
My name is Jane, and I am as exciting as the little piece of plastic at the end of your shoelace. For as long as I can remember, I have been boring. This is why my parents had given me such a fitting name. In elementary school, I was the awkward tall girl nobody seemed to want to be friends with. I didn’t mind though; I was content with my small group of friends… Well, friend.
Her name was Becky. In high school she tried out for cheer leading. Cliché, I know. The popular girl did end up ditching the nerd. Becky and I, we tried to make it work. We really did. But she was just too busy with practice to listen to me talk about enzyme kinetics, and chloroplasts. My ambition was to become a biochemist. That never happened.
It’s not because I lacked the marks, I had nothing better to do but to study, and it’s not as if I was actually invited to parties. I fell in love, stupid me. Worst of all, I thought he loved me back. I followed him to university, there he met another girl. They’re getting married next month. I am invited.
And here is me, twenty seven years old, loveless, lifeless; I get kicks out of spending my Saturday nights with my goldfish Joe, watching reruns of Sex and The City. I work as a principle software engineer. Even the title sounds grotesquely dull. Did you know I.T. jobs are ranked as one of the most boring jobs in the market today?
Coxwell, Greenwood, Donlands, these stations pass through too slowly. I hate it. It’s the same thing everyday. Leave the office at five, get to the station by five fifteen, and then prepare myself for a very unexciting ride home. It’s become such a tedious routine; I no long have to think about it. At least that’s how it used to be. Before the tragic incident that has led to the drastic alteration of my life. This is where I will begin my story.
Finally, the stop I look forward to everyday; Castle Frank. I once heard a colleague of his refer to him as Alex. He is gorgeous. Everyday when I get to this stop, he would come onto my cart. I noticed him about eight months ago. He doesn’t walk once he gets down to the trains, so he always ends up on my cart. I’ve been admiring him from a far. Day after day I hope he’ll say something to me. I once thought I saw a smile aimed at me, but it was just a face he had made before sneezing.
Before today, he’s never sat right next to me before; maybe today will be the day I end up telling our grandchildren about. I thought to myself too eagerly. Then it began. What’s this weird feeling in my stomach? Am I in love? So soon? Oww…Why does love feel so painful?
If I could, I would have traded the conversation we had that day up in an instant, if it had meant the nasty incident were to be erased in an instant as well. However, that is just not possible, so back to the story we go.
“Hi.”

With that, I knew I should have rejected the double bean burrito Eugene offered me at lunch. No! Go away; don’t talk to me, not today. Out of all the days, why today?

“H…H… Hi”

“My name is Alex… And I am hoping I do not scare you when I tell you that I’ve noticed you for a while now. You’ve really caught my attention”

“That’s actually very sweet, thank you. I’m Jane, nice meeting you.”
With that, came the struggling. The devious double bean has begun to stir in my stomach, threatening to come out.
No… No, Jane, control yourself!
*Bleeeeeep*
Uh oh… I had to reach down, and give myself a pinch, just to make sure this was not a dream, or a twisted nightmare.
NO NO NO! Why me, why today, why?!?

“Hi Jane. Umm… Is this a bad time?”

“NO! I mean, no. Sorry, excuse me.”
No Jane, stop, hold it, hold it, hold it!

“Okay, sorry about that… I’m fine now.”

“Ha…Ha… Don’t worry it happens to the best of us. But I did come over to ask if you’re free this Saturday?”
*Bloop*
Great, just great! The one day he talks to me, and notices me, I need to let out a gigantic load of double bean burritos. Worst of all, although he is doing a bad job hiding the disgusted expression on his face, he is trying to be nice about it. Maybe he never noticed that last one. Oh shoot, I’m so caught up with self pity that I completely blocked him out, what did he say?
“You know what? How about I just get your number, I’ll give you a call and we’ll plan something.”
Best idea I heard all day, the poor guy looks like he’s about to gag. He is not going to call.

“That’s a great idea, please do call me. 416---“
Just hold it in a little bit longer; I know I need to make a run for it, perhaps the next stop. I also know that I don’t need to look into a mirror to know that my face is as red as a ripe tomato. And it’s clear as day, he’s embarrassed for me, the colour of his face is now one of sickly green.

“652-8734, don’t forget to call me. This is my stop, I hope to hear from you soon”
He’s not going to call.

“Of course, I’ll talk to you later. Bye Jane.”
He’s not going to call.

“Bye Alex.”
He’s not going to call.
I just had to get out of there, before the gases became something more.

Although I never did end up destroying my white jeans, and did make it home. I now can never get to the station at five fifteen ever again. He never called. And I can’t bear the risk of seeing him ever again. Reliving the horrid incident in which I still have nightmares of is just out of the question. I go to a cute coffee shop before heading to the station now. I sit there for about an hour sipping on my Earl Gray tea. I have begun to notice this cute guy who comes in a couple of days a week. Nonetheless, if he ever tries talking to me, I believe I might just have to run and never come back.