Ella never wanted to die. If she would have had the choice, she wouldn’t have been diagnosed. Life was always Ella’s favorite thing. All she ever did was make me people smile and laugh. She had this gorgeous blonde beach hair. She practically lived at the beach. Ever since we were little, me and Ella would walk to the pier. We shared a lot of memories with that pier.It sort of makes me cry going there now. Knowing that she’s not standing next to me. I’m no longer staring at the lifeguards with drool coming down my face. I’m not jumping off holding hands with my true best friend. I miss her a lot and I know thats normal but it doesn’t make it any easier. She, she just did not deserve this. Now, I kind of just sit there, watching the waves kiss the shore. Ella is watching, at least I really hope that she is.

Ella and I met in first grade when I moved to South Carolina. She was the nicest girl in our whole school. The first time we actually hung out she took me to the pier and we carved our initials into the stained piece of floor wood. I will never forget that day, the day that our friendship actually began. Ever since then we were back at the pier nearly every day. We would jump into the ocean as the boys laughed at the way we would cringe at the coldness of the water. Ella always had so many friends. So many people fell in love with her smile. The smile that you could recognize from miles away. It was so bright, and some how when you saw it, it made you want to smile too. When we started high school me and Ella began to journal about our days together.


September 18th, 2011

It’s me and Ella’s first day of our sophomore year of highschool. I was so excited. Ella seemed more herself than ever. Right when we walked in, people gave Ella and I hugs telling how much they missed us over the summer. Ella and I both knew that a lot of those happened to be just lies. Who wouldn't want to be friends with a girl like Ella. I know it sounds weird for me to say but she’s quite perfect actually. I admire the way everything seems to just brush off her back, and how she can smile through the toughest of times. I can’t wait to continue our next few years of highschool together. I wouldn't want it to be any other way.





Ryline


October 14th, 2011

I don’t know how I am suppose to journal this one. Well, today. Ella shared with me some news that is still processing through my head right now. I can’t just put it out there. I dont want to believe it myself. This is how the conversation went.

“Ryline, I have to tell you something.”

I stared at her knowing that this wasn’t the typical Ella I knew.

“1 week ago, I was diagnosed with leukemia. I already have all your questions answered. The docs don’t know too much. They said it’s a unique case. I’m gonna lose my hair. 3 days ago was my first chemo session. Don’t ask me how it went, because I don't remember. My hairs going to be gone any day now. I don’t know what I am going to look like or what’s gonna happen. All I ask is that you stay by my side through it all.”

There I sit on the pier, with my best friend. I know people have a lot of best friends, but no. This was seriously my best friend in the whole world. Ella has given so many people a smile. Why had this happened to her? I stared at her, in her tear filled eyes, wondering how something so horrible could happen to a girl who deserved everything. I said the only three words I knew I could say.

“I love you.” I whispered. I pulled her in for a hug and took one last whiff of her hair that smelt like the ocean. I breathed it in, knowing that it wouldn’t be there for long. We walked home, it was so different. Why Ella, she was always the strongest girl I knew. I don’t know what I would do if she was gone. Where would I be?

I felt weak. I wished it could have been me instead of her. I had this feeling in my stomach the feeling of almost guilt. The feeling of wishing it was me. Not as many people loved me like they loved her. I don’t know how I am supposed to do this. I shouldn’t feel this way because I can’t even imagine what she is going through but she is my best friend. I can’t write anymore because my eyes are full of water and I cant see. I just really hope that Ella is okay.






Ryline



I went to the pier today. I got to see Ella. She doesn’t have any hair anymore. It’s so hard to admit, but it’s really hard looking at her now. I don’t see the beach blonde waves anymore. I miss them. People act so different around her. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. I can't even imagine what she feels when the guys just walk straight past her. They used to run up and give hugs, the guys were our best friends. Now, they just seem like strangers. Even sometimes I feel like a stranger to Ella. I know I shouldn’t because she is my best friend, but how are you suppose to look at your best friend who once has the prettiest hair and the brightest smile, and now she has well, nothing. How are you supposed to look at your friend who has nothing? Tell me? I’m so confused. When I was at the pier, I just kept staring at her. She had a smile on her face, maybe the last one I would see in a while.

“What are you staring at, Ry?”

“You.” I tried to laugh because I was really staring at her head. The head that had no hair, it might never will.

“It’s because my hair’s gone isn’t it.” She said in a surprisingly sweet tone.

“Yes, but I am sorry. It just takes a little bit to get used too.” I felt so bad. I should never have said that. I regretted it as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

“I know, I still can’t walk by the mirror without doing a double take. Ryline, I know this is going to be hard to get used to. It is for me too. But please just don’t stare. Don’t remind me of how I have to suffer through this.” Ella lowered her head and said quietly.

So we got up and left. It was so silent and when I peaked over at Ella I saw tears. I knew it was because of me. Because of the stupid words I had said. I had to say something, I felt too bad not to.

“El, I am sorry.” I somehow muttered out.

“Its...It’s okay” She cried as she ran up the street and into her house. I tried to follow but the door had slammed and I knew I had done enough. I said words I shouldn’t have and cannot take them back.

November 2nd

Ella and I haven’t talked in a while. I don’t know what to do. I saw her at the pier the other day but as soon as she saw me she ran. I messed up but I have tried apologizing countless times. I just want it to be back to normal. I don’t want her to have leukemia and I want our friendship to be back. The friendship where we both had fun. I don’t know what Ella’s been doing. I hope she is okay. I feel like if anything was extremely bad her mom would have contacted me by now. But, I messed up. I want my friend back, maybe she just doesn’t want me anymore?



I invited Ella to the pier today. I needed to talk to her. When I saw her walking along, I noticed her skin. Her skin used to be so tan, and now all it looked like was white snow. SHe didn’t seem like she wanted to talk. I was okay with that, as long as I got to say my peace.

“Ella, I know what I said must have really hurt you. I have no idea what it feels like to live in your shoes. I truly wish that I could take all this from you, and I mean that. You don’t deserve any of this, and you didn’t deserve the words I said to you. Im sorry. Ella? I said as I felt a release come off my chest.

“I know you are. It’s just hard. It’s hard seeing everyone walk past you and stare at your head. Especially you. I understand its a lot to get used too, trust me I know. But if anyone, I want you to look at me the same way as before. I want you to imagine my hair…” I stopped her.

“Do you ever, I mean do you ever imagine it? I questioned.

“All the time. I think of how I took it for granted, thinking it would always be there and now suddenly it’s gone. Do you miss it?” Ella asked.

“I do. I think of it everytime I see you. I will never forget the way it always smelled like the ocean. I think of your smile. The one that would be seen as you jumped off the pier. I think of you, and how I love you so much. And how I am going to do everything to look at you like that again.” For Ella and I, that was a moment. It was a moment I will never forget. She truly was my best friend. Ella and I walked back home. I imagined her with her hair and her smile as she gave me a hug and walked inside.


Christmas day came. Ella and I’s families had always celebrated together. When we sat down to pray, her dad began to cry.

“This may just be the hardest Christmas yet Lord, but I, I...I ask for the strength to get me through.” He said. I watched him as he touched Ella’s hand and tears tumbled down his face. I watched him as he stared at Ella. Maybe he was thinking what I was thinking. That maybe, this is our last Christmas with Ella.

We began to open gifts, Ella went first. Her parents splurged on her this year, because they didn’t know what the future would bring. I watched her open gifts and I watched her smile. We all wanted the same thing, we just wanted Ella to get better.

But days went by, and Ella did not get better. She got worse.A few days after Christmas we had planned to go to the pier. Ella’s mom called and cancled saying El’s not really up to it today. So I waited until I could see her. That day didnt come for a long time. It was Christmas break and usually I would be spending it at the pier with my best friend. But Ella had leukemia. Which means things had to change.

It was New Years Eve, instead of going to the party on the pier, I went to see Ella. This was the first time I had ever saw her sick. I mean like actually looking sick. Her room was silent. She laid in the same bed that she had been laying in for nearly a week. There were buckets by her bed and the bathroom door was wide open. Her skin was ghostly white and her eyes were sad and droopy. Her body was thin, thinner than I have ever seen. I sat there, quietly. Watching her grab the buckets or moan in pain. I watched as her mom came in and would comfort her, her crying as well. Ella was struggling to walk now. Her mom had to help her to the bathroom. That was really hard to watch. It was hard to see Ella stumble and rely so much on other people. I stayed the night that night. I slept in the chair. Well, I didn’t really sleep. I just kept thinking what if Ella doesn’t get better? What if she never gets better? What would I do if she died? I cant, no, that’s not going to happen.





January 4th


We went to the pier the day before Ella began to get sick. That’s where I like her best. She seems so herself there. Her and I will run and jump into the waves. You can still hear her cringe because the water’s too cold. When she smiles, it is still her smile. The pier is her home. I love seeing her there. That’s where she belongs. Watching her just smile and laugh and feel free. That’s what Ella deserves. She deserves to be free and well, happy.

When we were at the pier, the guys happened to be there too. They usually would jump in and swim with us. They just stood there though, watching. Watching Ella and I jump off the pier giggling as we went down. It was cold in January, but nothing ever stopped us from being at the pier. It was just in the sixties, but to us that was cold. Ella kept glancing at the guys and I kept telling her to just stop worrying about it. But I knew those were our friends, and we wanted them to be jumping with us. Well Ella went right up to them and said in the happiest voice I have ever seen her talk, “I am not different, jump with us, I promise you my hair won’t get wet.” Then they jumped in. I was so proud of her. Then I thought that I should have done that. I should have stood up for her. There we were, just like old times. We were jumping and smiling. Ella was smiling, her real smile. The smile that everyone seemed to fall in love with.






Ryline


I went with her to her chemo appointment yesterday. It was different. Everyone just seemed so depressed there. They all had tubes hooked up to who knows what. There was barely any talking, and all of them had no hair. Ella didn’t even have a smile on her face while she was laying in that chair. She just would talk to me, you know making mild conversation. I asked her how she was doing.

‘I’m fine” Ella said. But I knew that wasn’t the truth. I knew that she was hurting and that she didn’t know how long it would be until she was okay again. She reached up and touched her head, “Sometimes I forget that I don’t have hair” She mildly laughed. “I look ugly without hair.” I tried to assure her that she looked even more beautiful without hair. Some how she didn’t believe me. It was hard to believe myself. So I held her hand as she fell asleep. The tubes were beeping and she would flinch every once in a while. Her mom looked at me and waved me to come over to her. I let go of her hand, and tears came upon my eyes. It was so hard leaving her there, watching her suffer. I couldn’t ever let go of her.

“Ry, things are getting very serious with El. The doctor is very worried. She’s lost a lot of weight since she was diagnosed. She can barely keep in water, let alone any food. They would like her to stay in the hospital for a few nights. It’s going to be okay though, they would just like to place a feeding tube in her so that she can gain some weight. Ryline, trust me, this won’t last forever.” I just stood there, in shock. Not in shock of her staying at the hospital, but in shock that Ella might die. I know everyone says it will get better, but I am not stupid.











I visited Ella in the hospital. She has been here for a quite awhile. I am so relieved because she get’s released tomorrow. I have really missed her.The doctors placed her in a wheelchair because her leg strength was declining tremendously. They didn’t know if she was ever going to walk again. Hearing that, I didn’t know what to do. So I cried. I cried as Ella wheeled out of her room. No smile, no hair, no future. My heart had dropped a little.. Actually, a lot. Her hair was gone. Her body was declining and she was in a wheelchair hooked up to too too many tubes

Gosh dangit. It is time for her to get better, but I only feel like she is getting worse. I am ready for the old Ella back, the Ella that always was full of hope and never had any fears. Now I am afraid too. I don’t know how to deal with death, I am only sixteen. I don’t know how I am supposed to go home and go to sleep, waking up knowing my friend might not be there. She has always been there, always for me. I have to be there for her now, and for some reason I am really struggling with how to do that. My mom tells me that it’s going to be okay one day. How does she know? I used to think one day it would be okay too but it’s not anymore. I feel like Ella is going to die.





February 11th


I know it’s been too long. I am focusing more of my time of living life than writing down everything. I just needed to get away for a sec. And focus on this, and focus on me for a short few seconds. That sounds so selfish and I promise I am not trying to be. I just feel kind of lost and don’t know what to do. I miss my Ella. Something has changed. She doesn’t really talk to me anymore. Everytime I try she just walks away and ignores me. What did I do wrong? What more could I have done? I know I make mistakes but everyone does. I just want to see my best friend. I want us to be okay again.


Ella hasn’t talked to me still. I am very confused. Is she okay? I talked to her mom the other day and asked her what's going on and all she said was, “Ella is just enjoying time to herself right now.

“Well can I see her? Hows everything going?” I asked abruptly.

“I will ask her. Everything is okay, chemo is about to be done in a month or so. We are really happy about that. Her wheelchair is only used for long distances now. I am so sorry that you haven’t been able to see her. Things just are different for Ella.” Mrs. Coyne said.




I got to see Ella today. It was so awkward but then we had a breakthrough.

“Ella, what's been going on, why haven’t you been talking to me?”

“Ryline is that honestly a question?” Ella shouted in her not so sweet tone.

“Yes Ella, I want to know what I did wrong.”

“Nothing you did nothing. Do you know how hard it is to wake up and realize your whole life has changed? Do you realize that I have no hair. My hair is gone Ryline. You keep wondering why I am not at the pier with you 24.7, because I am embarrassed thats why! I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, I hate everything! Now, just leave!

“Ella, dont…. be….” I tried to get out.

“Ryline I said get out!” Ella yelled.

So I left, I walked out of my best friends room and couldn’t seem to hold back the tears. I didn’t know she felt embarrassed, she never showed it. I thought that maybe I had just lost my best friend, the girl who meant the world to me. What was I to do now?





March 18th


I miss Ella.







Ryline


I went to see Ella again today. To my surprise she was walking, really well. All she did was ran up and hugged me. Tears were tumbling down her face.

“Im so sorry” Ella said as I hugged her back even tighter. That wasn’t the only thing she said though, “I am free Ryline! I am leukemia free.” She screamed in my ears. My best friend was fear, finally after all this time. All I did was cry. Life was going to be okay again. I get to have my best friend back, my real best friend!



March 26th

Finally, the day is here. Ella, Ella is leukemia free. I am so astatic, and so relieved. Things are still different. She hasn’t gained much weight, I mean a little bit, she at least look normal now. Her hair is fuzz. It will come back, just not for a long time. She smiles again. Her true smile, ya know the one I was telling you that goes on from ear to ear. The wheelchair is gone as well as the feeding tube. Ella is slowly making it to the jogging stage. We go to the pier, a lot now to be honest. Ella jumps in. Even the boys swim with us now. We all kind of just got used to the no hair thing. None of us feel the need to stare or feel sorry. Ella says the best thing about not having hair is there is nothing to worry about when you swim. I find that so funny. Ella has learned to see the best in things and as her best friend I have too. Throughout this she has gotten so much stronger, because for a while there we all felt kind of hopeless.

“Ya know Ryline, I feel okay now.”

“What do you mean?”

“For a while there I just felt so helpless, like there was no point in getting better because I knew I wouldn’t. Now I am free of it. Finally saying that makes me so happy. My hair’s gone still, and I thought that would be the hardest thing ever, to look in the mirror and see myself without hair. But, now I do and it’s almost weird to say but I kinda feel beautiful now. If you asked me if I would be beautiful without hair a year ago, I probably would have cried at just the thought of that. Now I don’t. I am still confused as to why this happened to me, but everything happens for a reason.”

Ella is more confident than I have ever seen her and I never even thought that was possible. I guess now, we just move forward day by day. Things will be okay now, were all going to be okay.





Ryline


The pier is more fun than it ever was. I love being there with Ella. We watch the waves crash onto the store. We always said since we were young that the waves were kissing the shore. I believe that’s true. I love seeing Ella smile again. A true Emma smile from ear to ear. I am happy. I think we all are happy. Her hair is slowly slowly coming it. Its a little more than peach fuzz now. You can tell the color. She always is touching it. Ella told me that her longest piece is an inch. She loved to play with that inch long piece of hair. I see her jump in the waves now, run and jump. For a while we didn’t think we would ever see her do that again. Everything is getting back to normal again and I love it. I love seeing Ella smile and be herself again. She might not have hair but it’s getting there. I love my Ella.


April 17th

Today Ella and I went to the pier yet again and watched the sun go down. We talked and talked, those really close talks you have with your best friend.

“Ry, thanks for staying with me.”

“Why wouldn’t I have?”

“Because you have to see me all the time, how could you see me with no hair and accept it. Why didn’t you just keep your distance like all our other friends?’

“Ella, if this would have happened to me instead of you, I know you would have been there for me every single second of the day. I wanted to do that for you. There was so many times I felt weak because you know I am not as strong as you are. You are my best friend, I would never ever have let you have to go through this on your own.”

“I can’t ever thank you enough. I mean that when I say it. Ryline, you are beyond strong. You stayed with me and helped me fight through this even when everyone else just stared in the distance.” Ella was trying to convince me that I was the strong one when she was the one who had been suffering for so long. I am so glad to be her friend. She is truly amazing.





Ryline

May 9th

Today is Ella’s 15th birthday! I can’t journal much because we have lots of fun plans. She is having a party at the pier, just like we do every year. I wrote her a letter. I guess I can copy it and tape it in here;


Ella: My Best Friend,


I don’t even know where to start. I am so beyond glad that you are my best friend, I do not know what I would do without you. I am so so beyond sorry that you had to deal with that nasty stuff. Know that if I could have taken it from you, I would have. You are the most beautiful, strongest girl I have ever met, and I am so glad we have stuck by each others side for so long. Know, I will never leave you! Ever! I promise I will stick with you through thick and thin no matter what! Thank you for always being there for me, even when you had… ya know. Thanks for loving me through everything. I am so happy that you are happy. Btw I love your hair girl!<3. I hope you have the best birthday ever because if it anyone deserves it, it’s definitely you!






Your bestie: Rylinne<3


I think it is pretty good. I just wanted to let her know how amazing she is. Well anyway it is time to go set up for this party. Wish me luck!






Rylinne



Ella’s birthday party was so much fun. It was so good to see her so happy. I know I say that a lot, but it’s so true. The guys were there, all of our friends were there. It was like everything was normal again. Everything was okay just like everyone had promised it would be. I got Ella a lot of hair accessories, because her hair will be getting longer day by day. When she got the letter, she cried. She ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug I have ever gotten. Man, what would I do without her? Ella did something no one knew she would. She stood up and talked.

“Hi you guys! Thank you all so much for coming to my party. I know this year has been rough for all of us. I know that a lot of people didn’t know if i would be here today. Well let me tell you I am, and I couldn’t have done it without so many people. Mom, dad, I love you both so much. Thank you for gettting me the care I need and supporting me through every doctor appointment, every chemo treatment, and every tear. My grandparents, I know it must have been hard. So many times we were told that I wasn’t supposed to live, but you guys never gave up hope. Most importantly, Ella. I cannot say thank you enough. You were holding my hand at every chemo appointment, wiping my tears aways when the hospital had become my second home, telling me I was beautiful when I felt the most ugly. But, thank you for never leaving my side like so many people have done. Thank you for loving me. I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for all of you guys. So, thank you and enjoy the party.” I was in tears, Ella had really touched my heart like she had touched so many peoples.

After a while, Ella’s parents got up to the mic and shared a few words. “Ella, our sweet beautiful little girl. I can’t tell you how much we love you. We never would have imagined this to happen to you, and baby Elle I wish it never did. But through it, you have become so strong and learned so much. We are so happy that we get to see you everyday. We love you baby El. And to all of you, know that you should never take anything taken for granted because one day in the blink of an eye, it could be gone.”

People had began to cry as others had went up and said something in the microphone. I wasn’t sure if I was going to go up there. I didn’t know what to say. But then, it came to me. “ Hey guys, family and friends of all sorts. I could stand up here and rat off everything I love about Ella, but we would all be here for way to long. Instead, I want everyone to know what I have learned from this experiance. Never look at anyone different. Through Ella’s leukemia I was there when people would distance themself from her. I watched as people looked at her different because she had no hair. I want you to know to never look at anyone different just because what they deal with. Ella is still Ella. Thank you.

We all went home and Ella invited me to stay at her house. When we were sleeping, I looked over at Ella and was so happy to see her breathing. I was so happy to see her alive and well. I never knew if I would ever spend another night with my best friend. Now, here I am, with my best friend. And we are all just okay, finally.


June 13th

It is the first day of summer! Finally, I get to spend the summer with my best friend.


July 29th

Ella has been admitted into the hospital. I have had to write a lot of hard journals, but this might be the hardest. Ella is very sick. The doctor told us that she has a 15% chance of making it to next week. Ella is going to die. This has all came on so fast. I am still trying to figure out what exactly lymphoma is. The hardest thing you will ever have to do in life is watch your best friend die.








Ryline


August 3rd

I am here by her side, holding her hand, praying that she is okay. I guess there is one good news that I could share, the doctor raised it from a 15% chance to a 35% I guess that has to mean that something is improving. I want her to go home. I want to go jump in the waves with her at the pier.









Ryline


August 4th

Ella is coming out. Not because she is any better, but because she is worse. The doctor gave her parents the decision on whether or not they want her to die here in the hospital, because that’s whats most likely going to happen. Ella’s going to die! She’s not going to be here, with me, no more! Ella’s mom said we can both go to the pier one more time together. I don’t know if I am strong enough to do that. I know I have to, for Ella.






Ryline


August 8th

We went to the pier today. Ella was in her wheelchair of course and had so many tubes hooked up to her. For the last time, I saw her smile from ear to ear. I remember almost a year ago we were sitting here and she was telling me that she had just been diagnosed. I would do anything to go back to that day. To see her hair on her head. The hair that always smelt like the ocean and was so beautiful. I would give anything to see her jump in the waves right now, watching her be happy. Sometimes I have dreams about that. About the way her hair would fall against her shoulder and the way she would run up to me and grab my hand and we would jump the waves together, one last time. Ella said something today, maybe the last words I will ever hear her say,

“I’m not going to miss this. This pier or the beach, because I know I will see it soon. I am just going to miss seeing it with everyone else. Don’t forget about me Ryline. That’s all I ask, just don’t forget who I was to you. Thank you for everything.” I did the only thing I knew to do. To hug her, to wrap my arms around her and cry. I am going to miss her more than anything. This is the one person who doesn’t deserve to die. I love her.






Ryline


August 9th

It happened. How am I supposed to put this on paper. Ella died. That’s all there is to say. Why? I don’t know. The pier will never be the same. I don’t know how I am supposed to go there and not want to cry. My mom said it will take time, but what if I don’t have time? I can’t write anymore.






Ryline


August 21st

Her funeral. Ella’s funeral. I sit there watching the pictures before the screen and all I can think of is her, sitting right here with me. Crying with me. Just holding me. I can hear her telling me to be strong, but what if I can’t? I want her back. I know as many times as I say that she won’t come back but I need her here. Her parents gave me some of her ashes and told me that I can throw them off the pier, they also gave me her journal. I haven’t had the courage to read that yet.









Ryline


August 23rd

I went to the pier today. I sat and stared at me and Ella’s initials that we carved into the wood so long ago. I want to go back to that day. I want my friend back. I want to see her with her hair and her smile. It gives me peace knowing that she is up there, she is watching me. I bet there is a pier up there just like this one, probably better. I sometimes feel her, right before I go to sleep. I feel her hugging me and I smell the ocean, the smell that was always on her hair. The pier was weird. It was weird to be there, I don’t even remember the last time I went there alone. I guess thats how I have to go now alone. I threw her ashes into the waves. I can picture us both jumping in them right now. Jumping so high like nothing could ever hurt us. I have to be strong now. I watched the ashes sink into the waves, disappearing. I promised Ella I would never let her disappear from me. I finally got the courage to read her journal. There’s only one page that I wanted to share. It was written the day she died.








Ryline


August 9th


It’s going to happen soon. I am going to stop breathing and I am going to die. This isn’t what I wanted for life, it isn’t what I pictured at all. I want my hair back, I haven’t said that because I don’t want people to see me weak. I want my hair back though. I want to jump into the waves hand in hand with my best friend. I want to smile again, smile and mean it. I don’t want to die. I want to live. How are you supposed to leave all you have ever known. How am I suppose to just close my eyes and leave hoping that no one will ever forget about me. How am I suppose to let my best friend go to the pier alone. I guess there comes a time in life when you have to be strong, you have to remember and hope that everything is going to be okay. It is, one day. Soon I am going to have my hair back, even better than before. The waves are going to be picker and I am going to run and jump into them just like before. I hope to do it one day again with my best friend. How are you supposed to end the note right before you die. I love you, and Goodbye.








Ella