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Requiem for an Ice Cream
Ample Portly was without a doubt the handsomest man in his town. His majestic neck beard was graced with rosy pustules, glimmered in oil. His long slimy mane was dusted in dandruff and looked as though winter had kissed his noble brow. And his body, his body was beyond compare. His thick, jelly like belly rolled like waves on a stormy sea, and his arms flopped gracefully in the wind like leaves in the autumn. Only the shapliest of ladies, shimmering in sweat from standing up, would even feel worthy of speaking with him, and the only one who seemed as though they were worthy of his time was Elephantine Butterball, or Ellie B for short.
She was his equal in all ways. Her body was as large and as graceful and a cloud, and her eyes would show like beautiful black coals which would compliment her skin, that was pasty white with rubies of pimples all over. Her and Ample ruled the school, both respective captains of the varsity sitting teams, which they both managed to hold the records for longest time in the couch, recliner and loveseat events. They were voted most likely to obese, and were also elected to buffet night king and queen. They were very pleasant people and loved each other very much.
The only people they would ever look down on is the skinnies. It wasn’t out of hatred, no doubt, but they just could not wrap their heads around why they would do that to themselves. They were all gaunt, ravenous looking people who never fit into an XXL in their lives. Many of the administrators caught them eating vegetables in the park after school, and they were universally hated by the school. There were even rumors floating around that Vigor Von Brawn had constructed, in his basement, a pile of iron, that you’re supposed to lift. Ample couldn’t believe this, for he had known Vigor his whole life, and would never think of him to do something as obscene as lift weights. Nonetheless, he kept his distance, as he had for the last few years, and focused his attentions to his sitting.
That is, until, one day, Vigor sat down in the lunchroom, right beside him. His face looked worried.
“Hey, Ample, how’s it going?”
Ample was shocked. They’ve barely spoken in years.
“ Quite well, Vigor, I’ve managed to increase my sitting time by seven minutes since we last talked. But thats, not important, how are you?”
“Great, actually. I’ve been up to alot of stuff lately.”
That was when Ample leaned in and said very lowly to him,
“Listen, Vigor, I’ve been hearing some things about you, and I’m really worried. We’ve known each other since we were in Fat School, and I need to know the truth. Have you been doing vegetables?”
Vigor looked from side to side of the room and leaned in and grabbed his collar
“ Shhhhh.. I don’t need people knowing. Listen, it’s no big deal. I only do it every now and then and I can quit any time I want to.”
“ I don’t believe you.”
“ You don’t have to.”
Ample stormed out and left Vigor there, staring at his obscenely empty plate.
That night ample took his power chair over to Vigor’s house, to keep himself in proper sitting shape. He went to the door and rang the doorbell and Vigor let him in.
“ What are you doing here?
“ I came to get rid of it.”
“ Get rid of what?”
“ The weights, man. I came for the weights.”
“ No, you can’t have them. Why are you hating on them so much.”
“ Because they’re horrible for you. Now give them to me.”
A look of calculation ran over Vigor, the kind that a man gets when he’s looking for a way to dodge the hangman’s noose.
“ Okay, I’ll let you have it,” he said, “ But only under one condition.”
“ Alright, shoot.”
“ You have to do one workout with me, then you can get rid of it.”
“ You heard me.”
“ But I can’t! I have my sitting shape to worry about.”
“ Just one won’t do anything. Where’s the harm in it?”
And so, Ample, loving his friend and wanting to sacrifice for him, went to the basement with Vigor.
It was a dank and dirty place and smelled of putrid fitness, sweaty disgust, and iron fueled shame. Vigor motioned to the leather bench and Ample sat himself down by it, tears almost reaching his eyes. He took a deep breath and brought the weight down to his chest and up. One. He repeated the motion. Two reps. And the strangest thing happened.
His muscles felt tight and his body pressed and contracted to the machine, and it felt like nothing words could frame to him.
“ Uhhhhh Vigor?”
“ Yes Ample?”
“ I kinda like this.”
Six months later…
Ample awoke to the sound of birds chirping and shaved himself in front of the mirror. His face was hard and lean and he looked half starved compared to everyone anymore. He quit the sitting team, and immediately fell into the wrong crowd. He went back into his room, and from under his bed, he pulled a head of lettuce, which he did right there with the door locked. The rush, the feeling of power, the very thing which he had succumbed slave to, was the only light in his life.
He chased the wicked vegetables with sit ups. His addiction had progressed so far that he could do 250 at a time. His beautiful belly was gone, replaced by a crude and primitive looking set of six speed bumps. His once soft and comforting bosom was switched with a broad, hard packed pair of pectorals, and while still big, lost any sense of homeliness. He was a sad sight to see.
After taking a shower and dressing, Ample went out his door and walked to school, his mother silently crying in the kitchen. She had found carrots beneath his pillow earlier that week, but didn’t say anything. She could just not believe that her son would do such a thing.
When he got to school, everybody was staring, like they always did anymore, but Ample did not care. He was borderline happy, even though Ellie left him for one of the now more handsome, more chubbier seniors of the school. It didn’t matter to him, though. He felt as though they were in a fool’s paradise, and he had the fruit of knowledge. He made his way down the hall and sat down in the back of his Health class, which was going over the importance and value of eating at least one cake a day. When he got there, the principal was waiting.
“ Ample, I think we need to have a talk.”
“ What do you mean?”
“ Meet me at my office after school. We will discuss it there.”
The entire day, Ample’s mind was racing. Does he know? Of course he knows, but what will he do? Is he going to call the police on me? No, he wouldn’t vegetables are a misdemeanor at best. But what if he found out about the weights? Oh God, if he does, I’m in jail for the next ten years at least. What am I going to do?
The final bell rang, and he went down towards the door to his office. He got in and the Principal was waiting.
“ Sit down, we have a lot to talk about.”
“ What are you going to do to me?”
“ Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. Sit.”
Ample sat down, and the principal looked at him.
“ You know, we have a policy against vegetables, correct?”
“ Yes sir.”
“ And we have laws even against those weights you have in your possession, right?”
“ Yes sir.”
A tear came to Ample’s eye. He, in plainer terms, was screwed.
“ But do you know why they’re set up like that?”
“ No, sir.”
“ To protect young kids like yourself from making any bad decisions along the way. Now you have been in this school for the last four years, and I have watched you with great interest. To be frank, I am scared for you, and that is why I am giving you this option: you must do one of two things. The first is go to jail, but I know that is no place for you, they’d kill you in there. The other option is that you check into a rehabilitation center immediately and we pretend this never happened. Understand?”
Ample looked at him, with a complete look of pain, and said, “ No, sir, I don’t”
He then grew large, feathery wings and flew out his window.