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My Guard, My Demon, My Savior
Welcome to a world full of all kinds of people. The world where jocks and cheerleaders mingle in with the drama kids and the “nerds.” All kinds of people, yet I have no clue where I fit in.
I’m the girl who is friends with all different people but doesn’t fit into one specific group. I’m the girl who’s afraid to show everything that makes me who I am. My guards are up all the time, shielding me from anything that might hurt me. The problem with that is just that I don’t know how to let the walls around me fall.
“Let someone, ANYONE, in, Norah. Please just for once let your guard down and be vulnerable,” he was begging me now. He wanted to be that person I let in and I so wanted him to be too. My heart was aching and begging me to let him in.
Tears began to burn my eyes, but those many walls that surround me were really doing their job. They were making sure that no tears would fall.
“I can’t,” I whispered. I could feel his sadness burning through his striking ocean blue eyes. I knew his pain… I felt it. My heart knew that pain best; it felt it every time I shut another person in my life out. “I don’t know how to.”
Somehow a small tear slipped down my cheek. He gently wiped it away and put his hand on my cheek. The sadness in his eyes remained, but a spark of hope lit them up.
“I promise you, Norah, if you let me in, I will never hurt you,” he told me softly. His eyes gazed straight into mine and I saw the truth that his words held. I turned away from him and shook my head, as my heart screamed desperately at me to listen to him… to trust and believe him… to finally let someone free me from the guarded world that I had caged myself in. “Please Norah,” I could see the spark of hope start to dwindle out as I turned to look at him again. I couldn’t bear to watch that light go out so I quickly looked to the ground.
I knew if I didn’t let him in now then I never would be able to… that if I didn’t do this now then I would always be afraid too. I knew I had to do it at that moment or live to regret not doing it.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I have to do this, I thought. I have to trust him. More importantly though, I had to free myself and embrace who I really am and not pretend to be anything I’m not.
“You don’t always have to be strong. It’s okay to be scared sometimes,” he whispered, brushing a piece of my hair that had fallen on my face behind my ear.
I didn’t want to be scared though. I had to be strong because if I wasn’t strong, then I would be weak and vulnerable and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want anyone to see me that way.
“I do though,” I expressed quietly. Those walls wouldn’t fall. No matter how hard I was trying, I just couldn’t get them down.
“Why? Who told you that you have to be strong all the time?” he asked.
Then I felt it. With just his question, I felt it. I felt the walls and guards drop and crumble at my feet. I felt my heart lift up a little and felt the aching in my heart ease, trying to free itself.
“I did,” I heard myself whisper. “I never wanted anyone to see me vulnerable. I wanted to always be the strong one for everyone else, no matter how I felt. People needed me to be that way.” Those tears that had been burning my eyes began spiraling down my cheeks. I could see his surprise and saw the hope light up his eyes again. He knew, just like I did, that FINALLY the walls had completely fallen.
I felt uncomfortable. Standing there, crying and with my emotions out in the open, I felt naked. He wiped the tears from my eyes and pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms securely around me. In his arms, even without my many guards and walls to protect me, I felt safe.
My tears continued to flow down my cheeks and with every tear, a bit of the weight on my shoulder lifted up. I could do this. I could let go of those guards and let these people, my friends, in. I didn’t have to be afraid anymore.
Here’s where I proved I could do this, where all that I had realized would be put to the test. If I could tell him this, then I would be able to let others in. That would only be able to happen if I could finally tell him what my heart had been screaming at me to tell him for months.
With a small, soft voice, I whispered, “I love you,”
He held me tighter and in the most loving, caring voice I have ever heard, told me, “I love you too, Norah, I love you too.”
I hugged him tight to me and expressed, “Thanks,” I felt my last tear fall, “for saving me.”