Once upon a time, there was a rather talkative young boy. Not many people enjoyed his company, save for his doting grandmother Tina. Once she made for him a little cap out of red velvet. It was such a great conversation starter, that he began to wear it on a daily basis, despite the typical gender roles and stereotypes of the time. Due to this, and his uncommon fascination with climbing, they began to call him "Little Red Climbing Goode"
One day, in an effort to save herself from her son's company, his mother told him, "Come Little Red Climbing Goode. Here is a piece of cake and a bottle of wine. Take them to your grandmother. She is sick and weak, and for some reason, I believe that it is the proper decision to deliver to her a picnic basket of diabetes-inducing confectionary treats. Mind your manners and give her my unenthusiastic but mandatory greetings. Behave yourself on the way, and do not leave the path, or there is a very high chance that you will become one of the living impaired." She said the last part in a faulty attempt of reverse psychology.
Somewhere in the long-winded, off-topic rant that followed, Little Red Climbing Goode promised to obey his mother. The grandmother had a home deep within the bowels of the forest, about thirty minutes away from the village. However, when Little Red Climbing Goode had barely begun his journey, he noticed a wolf sleeping in the shade of a moderately sized oak tree. This would be the catalyst of many unnecessary events to follow.
"Heeeeeey! You seem like a nice wolf."
The wolf blinked his eyes open.
"Why are you sleeping in so late? It's midday!" He inquired
The wolf glanced at the sky "So it is."
"Hey, did you hear about that Beyonce concert from the other day? I hear she was making a great display of her better-than-average genetic coding!"
Showing his complete disinterest in the topic at hand, the wolf replied, "I'm not a fan."
"You... You DON'T LIKE BEYONCE?" Little Red Climbing Goode stared at the wolf incredulously.
"Well, yeah. She's way too mainstream. Not to mention incredibly overrated."
Finding himself rather clever, Little Red Climbing Goode countered with, "YOU'RE too mainstream and overrated!"
This infuriated the wolf, as he had sworn an oath to avoid all that is mainstream long ago during his cult initiation.
The debate that followed was one of no linear coherency. It had begun with the scrutiny of a simple pop star, and had ended with whether Vince Lombardi was an all-powerful deity or not.
The wolf, still upset by such a dishonoring statement, concocted a plan to get revenge on the impudent child. However, he needed some information first.
"Setting our differences aside for the moment, I must ask, are you not late for whatever appointment you were going to?"
The panic in Little Red Climbing Goode was evident. "Oh, no! You're right, I am late!"
"May I ask where it is you need to be?" Inquired the wolf.
Little Red Climbing Goode responded with an incredibly long-winded reply. It was so long-winded that, in fact, he was still talking by the time the sun had gone down. However, in all of this talking, he had not yet managed to answer the question at hand.
Using a different strategy, the wolf asked, "What is that picnic basket that you're carrying for?"
Another half hour passed, but this time the question had been answered (if minimally). The wolf knew exactly what it was that he needed to do.
"You like climbing, yes?" He asked the verbose young boy.
"Why, yes, I-" Little Red Climbing Goode almost began another tangent, but the wolf cut him off.
"That's all I needed to hear. You see, there is a trail I know of that will lead to your grandmother's house down that path over there", He gestured to a footpath that was nearly obscured by overgrown foliage; "there are plenty of rocks to climb on the way there".
Little Red Climbing Goode glanced at the trail and saw how it transitioned nicely into a life sucking desert. He thought, "Those are some nice rocks! Great for climbing. It's still early; being twenty-four hours late should be no big deal!" And ran off towards the cliffs. Handhold after handhold, he traveled further and further up the mountainside. The wolf, amused by how intellectually impaired he was, ran straight towards the old woman's home and knocked on the door.
"Who's there?"
Using a rather terrible impersonation, the wolf replied, "Little Red Climbing Goode. I'm bringing you some cake and wine. Open the door for me."
Luckily, for the wolf, the grandmother had both incredibly poor hearing and an equally poor survival instinct. "Just press the latch," She called out "My foot fell asleep"
The wolf pressed the latch, and the door opened. He had planned to consume the unknowing woman, but she reeked of mothballs and had an unpleasant leathery texture, so he decided to knock her out and hide her in the closet instead. Before cramming her fragile body into the confined space, he stripped off her excessively floral clothing and fit into them as best as he could. Finally, he could check cross-dressing off his bucket list.
Little Red Climbing Goode had managed to make it up the mountain and get to his grandmother's house soon after the wolf. When he arrived, he noticed absolutely nothing wrong- despite the fact that the door had been left wide open, and muddy paw prints led into the home.
He never noticed anything even once he approached his "grandmother" sleeping in bed, even though practically every part of her was much larger and hairier for unexplainable reasons.
Before the wolf could attack him, Little Red Climbing Goode went around to the back of the room and pulled out a vinyl disk. He put it into the vintage record player his grandmother owned, and began blasting "Single Ladies" by Beyonce.
The wolf heard the song and was overjoyed. "This is some quality music... it really speaks to me!" he thought. Needing to know where it was from, he asked, "Grandson, please, who plays this song?"
Little Red Climbing Goode laughed, not at all concerned that his dear grandmother's memory may be failing her. "You really are sick, grandma! It's only your favorite- Beyonce!" he said.
Walker 5
The wolf was flabbergasted. He had broken his blood oath. After a short-lived existential crisis, he thought, "Oh well, YOLO". The wolf then ripped off the clothing he had been wearing, and began dancing enthusiastically to the hit song.
Suddenly, as if called to life by the music, the grandmother awoke and began dancing alongside the wolf. Little Red Climbing Goode was not fazed by this sudden turn of events, and happily joined them.
This event sparked their passion for dancing, and led them to create the incredibly popular dance troupe, "Not so Perfect, Not so Cool".
Unfortunately, two years later the wolf's old cult buddies began hunting them down, so the troupe disbanded. Little Red Climbing Goode went on to become a biology teacher.
The End