Dear Incoming Freshmen:
By now, or perhaps throughout your life, you’ve thought about the many experiences that life would lead you to, not the least of which is high school—a stepping-stone into college, or a trade, or just plain life.
You’ve heard the usual words: enjoy your time here, the teachers are there to help you, do your best!—because it will help determine what you do for the rest of your life.
But I’m here to tell you about the small things in high school, such as the hallways, how to dress, how to act. They all play an important role in your time in high school, and their significance is very much underrated.
For example, please, please walk in the middle of the hallways, be a parabolic salmon swimming in the opposition of the world. Don’t be afraid to stop in the middle of a busy hallway to chat with your friends, while everyone else actually care about being on time for class. Oh please, we want you to be as comfortable as possible. Walk as slow as you like, or, if you wish, barrel past people and push them aside. Because don’t forget—you are the most important part of everyone’s life. The whole world revolves around you.
Now for advice to girls: when getting ready for school today—or any day for that matter—don’t forget to apply a pound of makeup on your face, not an ounce more or less. One must be careful to choose the perfect outfit, because after all, all eyes will be upon you and not on the teacher who is conducting class. Don’t worry about being late to school, or causing your sibling to be late to their schools. They don’t matter—looking perfect is the most important thing of all. A good focus on your studies is secondary.
Whenever you feel like you’ve just ran the mile in P.E., whip out your handy perfume and spray it all over your body. Not just once, but spray three times in a vertical line, jump through, and —tada!— you’ll smell as if you’ve gotten trigger happy with the perfumes at Bath and Body Works. Never mind whether other people like the smell. After all, if you like the scent, why shouldn’t anyone else?

Also, keep on your phone all day. Make the whole class wait while you copy notes down which you should’ve done while you were texting your “BFF” about how that cute guy in chemistry accidentally spilled the acid— after all, it was “totally awk!”
Talk all day. No, not on the topic already in discussion in the class. Whisper about that terrible boss you have to face after school for four hours on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, and how it really wasn’t your fault that you were late to work that day—you were talking to your friends and on Facebook and on your phone and oops! forgot about the time. Or, if your friends can’t hear your whisper halfway across the room, text under your desk. No one will question why you’re staring intensely at your crotch or why you’re laughing at it.
Now for the taboo topic of public restrooms. Flushing is not allowed. Why waste water? The world’s water resource is diminishing so quickly already—don’t bother adding to it. Toilet paper all over the floor? No problem! Correction—it’s not your problem. Let the next person step all over it, get toilet paper stuck to their shoes, and rag it around until some insensitive soul laughs at them. But why should you care? Like I said, not your problem.

The dress code: in all honesty, the school restricts dress codes to make your life miserable. That’s their only reason. They say it’s to protect you and that it is inappropriate for school (or any other place for that matter), but really, it’s just a conspiracy. Prepare your tin foil hats.

Teachers act like they’re your parents. They’re trying to control you. When they ask you to put your phone away, challenge them. Or, if you must, mutter about them under your breath, making sure you lace your mini rant with no less than ten less-than-school-appropriate words.

When greeting a teacher, greet them like your friends. Call them your “bro” or barely acknowledge them. That way, you’ll be sure to win them over.

While it’s just a stepping-stone, high school is a very important part of your life, and should not be taken too lightly. Have fun, study hard, and follow the advice of this letter. Have a happy four years in high school.
Yours,
A Helpful Friend