Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that today, one of our world’s last, finds you well and ready. For, as you know, a threatening future looms over us.

Hundreds of years ago, the Mayans realized that the world could not exist forever. They realized that Earth must have had some sort of a beginning; and if it had a beginning, it must have an ending. In order to forewarn future generations of this fact, they designed the famous Mayan calendars—objects which, they realized, would live far beyond the Mayans themselves.

Today, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow, and the days to come, we must never doubt the Mayans’ predicting abilities. We must never loosen our faith in the paranormal, or the supernatural, or the predictions of the Bible or the Mayans or the great Nostradamus, or whatever is out there guiding us. We can only trust that the spirits of the universe will ensure that our demise, and that of the world, is as painless as possible.

The speech that I give now is not a speech; it is a warning. I must tell you that our heavenly guides left us no details. The end of a world and the end of billions of lives may sound difficult to bring about, but I have studied the Bible, the Koran, and the Vedas closely. And I have learned that there are dark forces around us. There are dark forces under our feet. There are dark forces above our heads. There are dark forces floating about in the air.
And these forces, if combined, could destroy this world a thousand times over in a thousand different ways. They are deadlier than the deadliest atomic bomb that any group of scientists could put together. And, ladies and gentlemen, there is only one thing that I, a decorated scholar of spirits, can tell you. That we must be prepared for the darkness to strike. We must be prepared.
Another thing we must do, ladies and gentlemen, is to never lose faith; not just in our gods, but in each other. As the world around us crumbles, as it will, we must hold hands and hope for the best. Surround yourselves with the ones you love. Surround yourselves with the things you love. Surround yourself with your most magical memories. Surround yourselves with love.
And, ladies and gentlemen, live your remaining life to the fullest. Whether or not it was the intention of the spirits that watch over us, we have managed to turn life on Earth into a beautiful thing. And as our planet withers, we must remember that above all else.