A long time ago in the days of knights, elves, and dragons there was a foolish knight by the name of Lancelot who lived in a small village called “the Shire”. Lancelot has been selected as the Shire’s mightiest warrior to be chosen to travel to Hyrule kingdom in four days to join other knights from other villages to win the heart of Princess Zelda and become the new king of Hyrule. Knights are known to be strong, handsome, daring, and courageous which Lancelot had all of these skills. However, he was not the most polite, kind, or intelligent knight in the shire. He was instead rude, knuckleheaded, and mean to anyone who is weaker than him.


He would get into fights with other knights in the village to impress the girls and pick on the weak squire boys or scholars. One of the scholars, Arthur, was horribly humiliated when Lancelot gave him a wedgy and hung him by a tree. It was the last straw for Arthur so he decided to get revenge on Lancelot but he would need some help from his cousin. One night at a local pub Lancelot spent most of his time flirting with the waitresses. He heard a voice of a woman singing somewhere outside. Lancelot listened to the voice carefully and followed it to the village graveyard to find a beautiful woman singing under a tree. Lancelot was so captivated by her beauty that he wanted her to be his wife.


But before Lancelot could even introduce himself the woman spoke out, “You are the Lancelot of the Shire, no?”


Lancelot grinned and said, “Aye, I am the all powerful and good looking Lancelot.”


The woman exchanged a pleasant smile that even strike down Lancelot and said, “Good I have found you.”


“I am Princess Zelda,” bowed the woman as she introduced herself.


“I have come from Hyrule to see if the stories were true about you. If such a strong and ravishing man exists he would make a perfect king for Hyrule.”


Lancelot felt that if though he was on fire, the fire of pure victory. The princess that he was supposed to meet in four days has come to see him in this dumps Ville and choose him instead of all the other losers! This was indeed a glorious day for Lancelot the soon to be future king of Hyrule. Once again before Lancelot could say he would accept the job Princess Zelda took out a scroll and handed it to Lancelot.


“Before you become the new king of Hyrule I need to make sure you are worthy of the throne. Do three of these tasks separately on each day and return here on the third day for further instructions,” explained Princess Zelda as Lancelot read the scroll.


Lancelot looked at the tasks with a confused look. Each task was an awkward and weird and he couldn’t understand why a princess would ask of such of these things. He put away the scroll to ask the princess a question but she was gone. So for the next three days Lancelot had to do exactly what the scroll said or he wouldn’t be accepted as king.



On the first day, Lancelot reread the first task and it read: I must have a king who is religious and is true to his God you must do this. Lancelot read below to see what his first task was. All of the villagers in the Shire sat in the church seats peacefully without a care in the world. The silence was broken by a loud bang from the church doors and Lancelot came down the church halls screaming, “SAVE ME JESUS!!” All of the villagers stared in complete horror as they watch Lancelot grab hold of Father Mercutio and screamed, “I LOVE YOU JESUS! SAVE ME!” As soon as Lancelot left the building all the villagers murmured to each other discussing about that disturbing event except for Arthur who continued to read his bible in peace.


On the second day, Lancelot read the second task and read: A king must be nice and loyal to his people. You must do this task. Lancelot made a heavy sigh after reading it but reminded himself that it’s all going to be worth it in the end. He spent all day carrying Miss Cambell an elderly woman who is stricken blind and secretly has the black plaque on his back, taking her shop to shop or anywhere else she desired. The villagers whispered to one another as they watch Lancelot carry the woman. What has become of the Shire’s greatest soldier? Has he gone man?!


On the third and final day Lancelot read the last task with its instructions. The scroll read: I must have a king who will protect me and his people from whatever danger comes by. Unlike the other two tasks this one was a two part task. The first part seemed weird but the second part made Lancelot’s jaw drop. He had to go farmer McDonald’s farm and wrestle all fifteen of his pigs and tie them by the legs. That part of the task is easy but now he smelled horrible.


Part two of task three made Lancelot sick so before he left home he wrote his will. Lancelot traveled to the Shire’s woods and searched for the nearest cave he could find. His task was to find a bear and get into a fist fight with it. He returned home a few hours later with his clothes completely torn and face all bloodied up. But he did it; he did all of his tasks he needed to do.


Lancelot marched up to the grave yard to meet up with the princess and claim his prize. But to his disappointment no one was there but a note pinned to a tree! It read: Congratulations Lancelot you have passed the test! I have been watching you from afar making sure you were doing as you were told. Come by Hyrule castle tomorrow with the other village soldiers as planned and I will announce you as the new king.


The next day later Lancelot and many other knights all lined up in a single line and waited for Princess Zelda to come out and choose the new king. Many of the men kept a good distance from Lancelot avoiding the stench. But he didn’t care; Lancelot knew he had this in the bag. The hallway doors opened and everyone turned their heads toward that direction. Lancelot’s grin that could be seen ear to ear quickly changed into a horrified look. There was a princess that walked down the hall way, a very unattractive and complete opposite of the Princess Zelda he met at the graveyard.


Lancelot denied it at first thinking it was a trick until a servant announced Princess Zelda’s arrival as she examined the men. She stopped at Lancelot and gave him a disgusted look.


“Is this the best the Shire can do? You smell like death, your face is hideous, and you dress like a hobo. Go home you peasant,” snarled the real Princess Zelda and stormed out.


Lancelot stood there dumbfounded; he couldn’t believe what had just happened. A message boy came by and gave Lancelot a little letter tied in a ribbon. He read it and dropped it as soon as he finished it.


It said: Does thou suck to be thee?

From,

Arthur and Asuka (Aka: Princess Zelda)



The moral of the story is what goes around comes around