I call myself Thomas Magnum. You might have seen the other Magnum on thattelevision show. You know the one - where this cool dude works that Hawaiian estate and drives a redFerrari. My clientele are not the Rockefellers; I've investigated just about every dive and back-alley dumpin Chicago. I have a nose for trouble. That's how I came to my present situation.

When I arrived,the lady of the house, Isabelle, was still screaming and carrying on. "They've been througheverything. Nothing's safe. Just look at these drawers, Jerry. I'm warning you, if you don't call someone,I'm going to my mother's."

My timing was perfect. Jerry saw me and was so impressed hedidn't even ask for a contract. I agreed to work for room and board plus a bonus when the perpetratorswere caught. The rest of the day I spent moving in and checking out the house. It was a simple affair:bedrooms at one end, living room at the other, kitchen in between with a back door. I focused my attentionon the kitchen. No doubt, this was where the thieves had gained entry. I marveled at how careless they hadbeen. If they hadn't been spotted, their scam might have gone on for months. These guys were probablyworking several houses in the neighborhood.

Eventually, there was nothing left for me to do butstretch out on the couch and snooze. I'd need those 40 winks to be alert later.

After two nights, Iwas beginning to wonder if word had gotten out about my presence. The only noise was the passing of timemarked by a large grandfather clock. That thing can really get on your nerves. Jerry and Isabelle left forwork and I performed my morning routine: you know, calisthenics, washing, etc. Next, I checked myweapons. Despite my name, I do not carry a 357 Magnum. Instead, I rely upon my quick reflexes andinstincts. I use weapons like knives with sharpened points. The late nights were getting to me, so I decidedto doze in front of the television.

That evening, Jerry won big at cards, and Isabelle attended anItalian cooking class. The Italian bread and meatballs weren't half bad. They retired but I remained awake,and gradually my eyes grew accustomed to the darkness. The clock has just struck two when I heard a noisethat raised the hair on the back of my neck. I was cramped from crouching next to a chair and longed tostretch my legs, but I didn't move a muscle.

There were three of them. The leader paused, glancingaround. His well-developed muscles were visible even through his coat! Sensing no danger, they crossed thekitchen. Jerry's winnings and the remains of Isabelle's meal cluttered the counter. In a flash they had thedough. I sprang from my hiding place to block their exit. The leader dropped his stash and turned to fight.His shifty eyes darted back and forth, seeking escape. With one powerful blow, I knocked him backwards. Hecollided into his companions, who huddled together in fear. I pounced!

In the morning Jerry andIsabelle were delighted with my success. Order had been restored. Suddenly, Isabelle started that familiarscream. "Jerry, come here this very instant! Get rid of that horrible tomcat."

On thefloor, I had carefully arranged three mouse heads. As I was shown the door, I thought, Some people have noappreciation for a job well done.