Washington D.C. — Massachusetts resident Lucy McLips took first prize in the annual “Teens Can Talk” public speaking tournament held last Monday, where participants competed for a college scholarship and the prestigious “Talkie” award. McLips, sixteen, impressed the judges with her clear voice and enthusiastic yet calm attitude, though it was the audience’s reaction that earned her the victory.

Her speech, entitled “The Time I Saw the Cutest Shoes at the Mall and Like Totally Had to Get Them, Only I Had Like Already Spent My Allowance on Lip Gloss and Nail Polish, So I Like Had to Beg My Dad to Get Them For Me, and He Totally Did,” is a captivating story about hardship and perseverance. “It’s a good thing I bought her the shoes,” stated her thrilled father. “They saved me on college tuition.” Her mother added, “Those years of diction classes really paid off.”

Her opponent, a disgruntled Tung Taidstein from Arizona, apparently couldn’t deliver his speech, “The Adverse Effects of Global Warming,” very enticingly. “You could see the way the audience wasn’t interested in what he had to say, so we had to take off points,” remarked one of the judges. “He only got a sixty-eight.” McLips now holds a record score of ninety-six, shattering the previous record by over fifteen points.

When asked to comment on her victory, McLips responded, “Oh my God! This is like such an honor. I like don’t know what to say, which is weird, you know, since I like totally won a speech contest or whatever.” A member of the audience, when inquired about McLips’ speech, eagerly exclaimed, “She’s like totally easy to understand, you know, which is why she like so deserves to win and all. She could like, be president or something.”

The cheerful contest winner will have her picture added to the “Talkie” hall of fame, where everyone will be able to relive the excitement of her victory. “The prizes are like totally awesome, but it’s like knowing that you’ve made a difference that like really makes this worth while, you know?” declared McLips. Indeed, an excited member of the audience stated that he would “like totally get my parents to buy me that tricked out skateboard I’ve wanted or whatever.” Missy Tayke, another viewer of the teenager’s performance, who described herself as “single, pregnant, and proud,” added that she “was in awe of that inspiration. I’m going to raise my baby to be just like her.”

As per every TCT finale, representatives from prestigious colleges looked on from the audience to scope for talent. A spokesperson from Harvard mentioned his excellent impression of the victor. “She completely blew me away. Her words of struggle brought me to tears as I relived my youth. I could really connect with what she was saying, and sincerely hope she chooses our university.” He’s not the only one, as eleven other diplomats plan on offering her a spot in their college as well.

McLips still has some time before graduation, but nevertheless looks to the future. She plans on using her scholarship in a couple of years, which will “let my parents like focus on the important things, like getting me a car, you know?” She’s not sure whether she’ll compete again next year, but “I could talk about the time I like woke up with a totally bad hair day, and like would’ve spent the morning fixing it, only I had to like study for this test, which I so didn’t have time for the night before since I was like shopping for hair scrunchies. It was like, the worst sacrifice I ever had to make or something.” Regardless, be sure to catch the tournament next year.