I jot down all the names, each one taking up part of the piece of paper. The ink soaks into the paper like poison into my blood. I drop the paper and pen and rummage through my messy desk drawers until I find a tack. I push my fly-away hair out of my face and pick the paper up and run to the nearest spot of empty wall. I jab the paper into the suborn wall and go back to my drawer to find my darts. After a couple seconds, I feel a marker and fling my hand out so fast that the marker fly’s across the room. I jump over piles of stuff to find it again and I step across the room from the paper on my wall. I pull my hand up, ready to throw my purple marker and find out my future lover.

The instant I let the marker fly, a million things run through my head at once, like time is slowing down, one millisecond turns into days.

* * *


How could I be so stupid? What am I thinking? Why am I letting chance decide fate? One head of cute hair and I'm stuck in the fog. The hot, pink, lovey-dovey, sweet, mesmerizing, never ending fog. I'll never get out. Until a sweeter fog comes along and I'm sucked in. Now I have a question; What happens when your caught in more than one fog at once? What then? Do you fall and see which one catches you? What if neither do? What if both do? What do you do then? What do I do now? 'He loves me, he loves me not.'? That only works if there's one guy. Not a buh-jillion. Only one. I wouldn't have a problem it there was only one. But there are so many cute faces smiling at me. How can I choose? This is so wrong of me! Why can't I just keep a thing in mind that says something like, ONLY LIKE ONE GUY AT A TIME!! I have no will power. And every so often, a guy comes into my life and asks me out. I have to say no, but I always feel like such a jerk. But I can't date someone I don't like. I can't date who I do like either, or I would be called bad names all over the place.

Okay, there's a good approach to this.

…

No there's not. I made up my mind. Now I just need to keep my mind from straying to the forks in the road. I just need to stay on track. I can't think about all the cute smiles. I can't flirt with anyone I feel like flirting with. I can't notice all the smiles I get in a day. I have to use will power to not think about how adorable the other guys are. I have to keep my mind away from everything that isn't this one guy. Will power. I can do this. Just.. Look down. I doubt this will work. How can I not notice when a guy looks at me like that? Why can't I just think of only him. No, I can do this. I definitely can. Will power.

I suddenly look wildly at my marker swirling toward the wall. I turn and duck my head into my chest. If I see where it hits, I'll think it's a sign that I should have picked him. And I'll have to start all over with my whole state of mind. I can't see where it hits. No, I can never see where it hits. It'll ruin me forever. How can I live my daily life without looking at that wall. I could just try to look away and feel for it, and then tear it down and crumple it up and throw it away. But what if I see it, I'll flip out. Okay, what if I asked someone to take it down for me? Yeah, that could work. My mom? No, she would flip that I'm already into boys. My brother? Nah, he'd tell. One of my friends? Maybe, but when could someone get here? And could I live without seeing even a glimpse of that wall until they'd get here? No. I have to take it down myself.

My mind races through the middle of the earth. Is he there. Is he where I am. Going mad, over a girl? A simple girl? Me? No, no one thinks about me. Why would they? I understand, I'm just glad no one says it to my face. I'd end up like Edgar Alan Poe. Giving little kids nightmares because I wrote a poem about my dead wife and a seagull. That wont' be me. I don't write about birds. Nope.

Why? Why am I living? No, I'm not going to hurt myself, but really? Nothing is ever going to happen. If I start a revolution, the aliens won't hear about it. No one in japan is going to know if I win the national spelling bee. No one in the Olympics will know if my mom dies of cancer. So, so what if I never have true love. So what if I become a bum.

I want to move to Africa. To see the world. And the leaning tower of Pisa. And Hong Kong. And meet a tribal leader in Pakistan. Alone? Will I have kids? Will I have a man? Will he be loyal. Will he leave me? Will I become an interior designer like I've been wanting to for my whole life, because when your natural born talent and your passion are the same thing, you have to go for it. But will I? Will I wast away looking for the one? Have I already found him? Am I going insane? What will my family do with me? Will my friends miss me? Will he even notice? That I was ever even there? Or no? Will I just waste away and slip quietly into the shadows with out a turn of a head? I think so. Maybe? Yeah..

I start to straighten my back and notice it pops a lot and it hurts as if I've been bent over for hours. How long was I standing there curled over with my head in a ball like I was waiting for the burst of a grenade? Forever, maybe? No, just long enough to convince my self to stray from the beaten path. I look over at the wall to see who was chosen by my magical marker of fate. It hit the wall. Not the paper. So, I'll be alone forever, eh? Great, just what I wanted. This is what I get for playing darts with markers; a loveless life. A black hole, a bottomless pit. My life.

But, does this mark really mean this much, or am I really mad? I think I'll just go with what I feel is right. Like I always have.