There was once a sleepy little village in Soviet Russia. Now every village, no matter how secluded, still was heavily controlled by the Russian Government. Every town had officers appointed to it, just to make sure the citizens were appreciating the government properly. The officer in charge of the sleepy little village in question was none other than Goldilocks, a fine stand up Russian man, (as all were). Goldilocks had a close connection to his town, early on in his job he fully made sure all the citizens properly appreciated the beauty of the Russian Government. After so many days of ensuring everyone thoroughly knew about the joys of Mother Russia, by doing what outsiders may consider morally dubious acts, he wondered if he could be of any other help anywhere else. So alas, Goldilocks walked along the path out of the town, and into the surrounding woods.

After a few hours had passed, young Goldilocks had become lost in the woods. “Oh my,” he said, “I was so entranced by the beauty of the Motherland, that I seem to have wandered off the trail! Whatever am I to do? What if the village people have forgotten what the Russian Government truly represents and all it does for them, and that they should be forever and eternally grateful, to live in such a utopia on Earth!” “I must find my way back!” he cried. After several more hours the young officer was starting to lose hope. “Oh how I have let down the great leader Stalin, I should have never left my job, no matter how good my intentions.” Goldilocks fell to his knees and wept at how in his eyes he pitifully failed to devote his life properly to his beautiful, perfect country. Goldilocks looked up and saw something, a clearing up ahead, and what looked like a small home built in it. Goldilocks ran forth to see if people could help him back to home, he knocked on the door and heard no response. Goldilocks waited a few minutes and knocked again, no response, but this time the door slowly swung open. Goldilocks suddenly had a realization, this house is tucked away in the woods? What if they have not been shown how to properly appreciate the joys of Russia, Goldilocks decided to enter to investigate

Goldilocks opened the door fully and walked inside, “Hello? Anyone home? I’m here to talk about the joys of Mother Russia,” He noticed something, around the table in the middle of the room, were three beautiful hand made chairs. One large chair, aptly placed at the head of the table. One smaller chair, it looked as if it would break if he sat on it, and lastly a third chair, that looked like a perfect balance between the two. Goldilocks carefully approached the chairs and inspected them. “Just as I thought,” Goldilocks muttered, “These chairs were not made by government employees! “These people are trying to take jobs away from good hardworking Russians! The tyrants must be stopped!” Goldilocks then proceeded to smash the chairs to pieces. He then smashed the pieces to pieces. He then swept everything quite literally under the rug. A fury started to ignite inside him at the sight of this, but he kept it mostly repressed by covering up the actions of his anger. “There, corrected,” Goldilocks sighed after finishing his work.

While this was happening, the family that lived in that was out in the fields, doing an honest days worked. Goldilocks did not know them, he did not know that they had come from nothing, worked tirelessly day and night to get by. They had to do everything themselves, having been cast away by the government, even their son had to help them work. They contently went along doing their work, secluded and not disturbing anyone.

Goldilocks wanted to wait until the clueless family that just needed a guiding hand in being shown the way. So Goldilocks waited, and waited, and Goldilocks eventually got hungry. “Well the true Russian spirit is that we all give everything to the government, and the government gives equally back to us a whole. And I’m a member of the government, so in other words… don’t mind if I do” Goldilocks muttered to himself as he walked into the kitchen. Goldilocks looked around for a moment before spotting something on the counter, three lovely bowls of porridge. One very fresh and steamy, one that looked like it had been out far too long, and one that looked absolutely just right. Goldilocks started to indulge in the third bowl, when he saw something atrocious on the counter. He saw a bowl of leftover porridge on the counter. “Is that, a personal store of food, not being given to the government, this is completely unacceptable,” Goldilocks threw the bowl of extra porridge out the window, and to teach his lesson the existing bowls at the wall. He then combed over the kitchen to check for more signs of betrayal to the government. Much to his anger, every cabinet, every drawer, every possible place had things in it. Fresh grown veggies, cured meat, all kids of things. “These bourgeois capitalists are dead set on only benefiting themselves, they have no concern for the Russian people, so they clearly must be enemies of the Soviet Union.” Goldilocks started trashing the whole kitchen, to him these people deserved none of what they had. Goldilocks tore apart everything in the kitchen in his rage before eventually slowing down. “That should better help leave a message to these people,” Goldilocks said, slightly snarling in anger still.

The family had finished their hard day of work. They looked at what they had done and collectively sighed. It was a lot of work for the small family of three, but they were proud to be living a fairly comfortable life even if they all had to work every day. They began to walk home, looking forward to a peaceful night of rest before they had to head back out early tomorrow morning.

With his rage still simmering inside him, he proceeded into the final room of the house, where he saw the worst thing he’d seen so far. In the bedroom was only, three, beds. And these were no mere places to sleep, these were three full sized beds. It looked to Goldilocks as if only three people were living in this home, and if that were true, Goldilocks knew he would have to forcefully enforce the true ways of the Soviet Union upon this family, that he would have to arrest them for treason because they have gone beyond what is just “simple mistake”, if things were as it seemed he was standing in the house of enemies to the union, who must be stopped. They were complete tyrants, probably spies. Why else would they be hiding out in the wood like this? Why else would they be so disconnected from society? They have to be the enemy. This fits with every description I know of an enemy to Russia. If they’re not clearly with us, the must be against us. Goldilocks had these thoughts while waiting, getting more and more angry. He knew what he had to do.

Goldilocks was not waiting long, within the hour the infamous family Goldilocks had built up in his mind had returned. Three average looking people walked into their home, a father, a mother, and a child. They started to become upset, seeing the state of their home, but Goldilocks stopped their squabbling and first only asked one question. “Are you the only three that live here?” The father responded first, “Well of course, do see how small our little home is? Of course it’s only us thre-” Goldilocks had heard enough, he grabbed the father by his collar and threw him out the window. The mother and child cowered before Goldilocks, he handcuffed the two, “Your tyrannical way of life will end today.” Goldilocks left the weeping two in the home, and he climbed out of the window, where the father was still recovering from his recent defenestration. “And you,” Goldilocks snarled, “The man of this house, leader of this villainous way of life, what do you have to say for yourself.” The father weakly tried to negotiate, “Please sir, I don’t know what I did wrong, I-I-” “YOU DON’T KNOW?” Goldilocks boomed, “You support only yourselves, you store for yourselves, you make chairs for yourselves, you only provide a place to sleep, for yourselves. You could be doing so much more for the Russian government, that I would bring into question if you are even for us. Even now look at where we stand, in a private garden, that you do not tithe to the government, you do not sell on the market, you only feed yourself.”

Once again the father weakly responded, “Please, I don’t think you understand, the nearest market is a five hour walk through the woods, we don’t rely on money, we don’t receive anything from the government, so why would we give to it, we moved out here to avoid all this. We heard about the horror stories, about people like you.” Goldilocks had heard enough, he arrested the final tyrant and took the three villains home to stand trial.

One week later the family was put on trial for their capital offense. It was a quick and decisive trail. As most trails were, the verdict was predetermined, it was like a play being put on for the whole nation. There was no defense for the family of three, who lived in the woods and never bothered anyone, only several persecutors. They made long speeches, describing the how the acts of these people were a crime against everyone, a crime against the country. The defense was taken up by no lawyer, because they all worked for the soviet government. The family was not even given a chance to defend themselves, in light of that there was performances. Dancers, music, this to excite the crowd that attended before the main show. Finally, the arresting officer Goldilocks, was the last one to speak, as well decide the ruling of the trail. “These filthy criminals thought they could live outside the law and avoid the duties of the Russian citizen. They ignored the promise of our union, that is we provide for the government, the government will surely provide back for us. They went by the ridiculous western philosophy to provide for yourself and your family first, to not rely on the government, which as we see here can lead you to a much better life then you can yourself. I rule the party in question, guilty of treason against the Soviet Union, and the sentence is execution.”

The family of three that lived in the woods was publicly executed and made an example for the whole country. Goldilocks smiled at his good deed for the Russian government. And they all lived happily ever after.