Bill Loney reporting.

Sixteen-year-old Anita Bath from Humble, Texas, was last seen in the school’s locker room after playing a sweaty game of mud volleyball on a Friday afternoon, witnesses say. There has been no sign of the teenager for three weeks now, but UFO sightings have been popping up all over the county. When officials searched the locker room they found nothing but a dirty tennis shoe and an engraving resembling a UFO emblazoned on the concrete wall with what appears to have been a laser. They now have enough evidence to conclude that Anita Bath was abducted by aliens and is residing on the planet Mars.

The local police called in FBI agents and the SWAT team, who swarmed the premises and placed a lockdown on the school for twenty-four hours. Officials told the local media that they had questioned Bath’s close friends and relations the day she disappeared, but had not come to any “reasonable conclusions” that “didn’t involve something most people deem a fraud.” Certain persons speaking on the condition of anonymity allowed that they had (curiously enough) suspected something strange from the teenager for some time, admitting that, “they had sensed a change in Anita Bath for a while now.” The authorities are now feverishly searching for the endangered teen.

Anita Bath was, at first glance, just an ordinary teenager. She enjoyed learning new languages, breeding pea plants, and the aforementioned mud volleyball. Her family described her as, “adventurous, spontaneous, and a talented writer,” who evidently enjoyed corresponding with pen-pals and friends from all over the US and even around the world. At least that’s where her family and friends thought it stopped.

When authorities obtained permission to search Anita Bath’s room, they unearthed several startling revelations. Besides a bizarre collection of baby bath toys, the FBI says that Bath had exchanged a handful of letters written by a certain “B.A. Ware,” with an invalid address. Upon being questioned by officials, Anita Bath’s best friend Darren Deeds admitted that she had told him that she was corresponding with a fascinating set of siblings who were planning on visiting Bath at a date yet to be determined. The letters were full of incorrect grammar and sprinkled with strangely-spelled words, which led authorities to believe that the person behind the pen was not originally an English speaker. Numerous other findings, too many to record, have also been noted and examined by professionals. A suspicious green slime in the locker room and a strange piece of material found in Bath’s gym bag are just two of the interesting particulars. The FBI was sure that Anita Bath had been corresponding with Aliens, and they began to call her case the “Alien Abduction Investigation Theory”.

But suddenly, the “Alien Abduction Investigation Theory” was dramatically confirmed.

On Friday, June 26, Anita Bath’s family received a letter, written in Anita’s hand. The return address stated simply, “Mars,” and although impatient to hear of their daughter’s condition and whereabouts, they first asked permission of the FBI to open the letter in case of contamination. Although we have been unable to get our hands on the actual letter, we were able to interview Anita Bath’s father, Mr. I.C.A. Bath, and he gave us an account, which we report, in its entirety, here.

Bill Loney: “So, Mr. Bath, you received a letter from your daughter?
I.C.A. Bath: “Yes, we did.”
Billy Loney: “And? What did she say?”
I.C.A. Bath: “The letter was censored, but she let us know that she was okay. She said she was put into a space-ship type aircraft and that she was then blindfolded and kept in the dark for a period of what she guessed to be 48 hours. She said that she had been taken from the school locker room by a couple of masked beings - here, her letter was again blacked out. We assume she was going to elaborate on her captors.”
Bill Loney: “And did she say anything about a release date or an assumed reason for this abduction?”
I.C.A. Bath: “She said that her captors have assured her that they will not harm her and she will be returned in three weeks.”

And there you have it, folks – the first documented Alien Abduction. Our thoughts are with Anita Bath as her days on “Mars” draw to a close. We don’t know the conclusion of this ground-breaking story as of yet – but with Bill Loney reporting, be assured you will receive only the most absurd and ridiculous news available.