Waking up that morning I could still taste the booze in my mouth, sour and smoky, a bit like turf. I´d been drinking vodka every day since October 15th, 2016, the worst day of my life. Ever since then I drank alcohol like I lived in a desolate desert for a couple years. On October 15th, 2017 I lost one of the only things that have ever meant anything to me, my mother. I didn’t have a connection with my dad, for all I was concerned he was just a sperm donor, my aunt (Amalia), my boyfriend and best friend Shaun Ellzey, and my grandparents. Shaun, my grandparents, and aunt are great people, I love, them. They are the only people I had, and now the number was from four down to three. It was now December, two months after she died, and I was slowly unraveling day by day, falling deeper into depression every single day, and I thought nobody had noticed, how foolish.    

My aunt, who I lived with, had noticed more than I thought she had. Late in my sixteenth year, she decided I was spiraling out of control, and that I had severe depression. She thought I was in denial, not accepting the fact that my mother was gone and not coming back, so she decided, without asking me for an opinion, that I needed to be an inpatient at a mental psychiatrist penitentiary for the mentally deranged. I think Shaun believed the same, which was disappointing. I can understand why he's worried, but that doesn't change the fact I love him and this feels like a betrayal. I had to take my black converse with torn up purple laces and accept the fact nothing I said mattered and I would have to get in her midnight blue Prius. Then a thought crosses my mind, would it be so bad? No more having to wear a raincoat on rainy days or get ridiculed because I always wore tennis shoes and never flip-flops on hot days, this is a good thing.   

It was raining outside like it always was in Willoughby, Pennsylvania. We reached the point where you can't drive. It was a dirt road and you had to hike the rest of the way. It was three stories tall with bars on the window, it kind of looked like one of the places children got to on Halloween even though they're scared, and they know they are. It was a stereotype come alive, that a mental institution looks like this. All I had was one backpack with clothes, my favorite pillow, and a soft medium shade blanket my mother gave me. I was not even sure if they´d allow me to keep it. When we were 75 feet away from the mental institution, a lady stepped out wearing Velcro shoes. Why would a 55-year-old lady be wearing Velcro shoes?    

"I'm Mrs. Gray, the headmistress, how are you today?", so I now know her name is Mrs. Gray, and she is the headmistress.    

"I'm Lexi's Aunt, I am the one who spoke to you and explained her situation. I am great, how are you today?" My mom responded.   

"I am just great" Mrs. Gray stated.   

"Am I able to keep my blanket, pillow, and clothes? They're only sweatshirts, t-shirts, and sweatpants." I asked.    

"Yes, you will be able to since you are not being admitted for self-harm," she said.   

"Good-bye Lexi," My Aunt said.   

"Bye Amalia" I responded.    

The inside was dark and depressing, just fitting to keep up the expectations of what the outside had. This building was a perfect example of how the reputation proceeds you. The ceiling was tall, extremely tall, there was a colossal dining table, but it was quiet, a deafening quiet actually. There were three long hallways one down each wall, besides the one with the dining table and what I presumed was the kitchen. Down the far-left hall, I heard a screech, and I heard a clacking noise coming from the self-harm rooms, where people would go if they cut or hurt themselves on purpose. I had never known what people meant when they said they had an out of body experience, but when I heard the scream, everything was in slow motion. Mrs. Gray said "Don’t worry about that, the nurses will take care of that" and it was in sync when I saw two nurses run in, wearing vivid orange scrubs. I hated the color orange, but that wasn't why I asked her. "Aren't nurses supposed to wear blue scrubs?" Mrs. Gray responded with "It is easier to tell apart the patients and the nurses when they wear such a bright color". What did they need to tell them so clearly apart for?  

"Please take a seat at the dining table since you and your Aunt were so punctual" Mrs. Gray ordered me.   

"Okay" because what else was I supposed to say?   

Mrs. Gray walked down the third hallway and locked the door, well okay then. What a nice tour. Not too long after she disappeared I watched people fill in, mental patients. They all wore gray sweatpants and a gray shirt, they were all here on the worries of self-harm, all of them though? It seemed like such a large number. Why the gray, they came here to stop being depressed, and gray is a depressing color. The nurses all looked soulless like someone scared the life right out of them. I didn't care though, they brought food out.    

The dinner was chicken or yams, green beans, fried rice, mashed potatoes, and milk. It actually wasn’t bad, much better than the food at Hilton Head, my old school. It actually had a good taste and didn't taste like cardboard. When I was done consuming my food, they informed me that my room was 64, up two flights of stairs, all the way down the fourth hallway. I had a decent sized room, and the view was great. I could see the roads outside, the people walking, and the sun going down. I liked my room, but I was too tired to ask questions about why my room was the only one without bars on the windows. I took out my blanket, took off my converse, and put my pillow on the bed. I jumped into the bed, it was comfortable, I fell asleep instantly.    

I woke up to a sound of shouting, "Breakfast! Everyone down to the table in 10 minutes if you want food!". That was a nice wake-up call. I didn’t even bother to put shoes on or fix my hair, I just walked downstairs like every other patient. I was ravenous, maybe because I usually eat breakfast by this time of the morning. Breakfast looked just as great as dinner. Eggs, bacon, salad, and a fruit smoothie laid out on portions plate by plate. I wasn’t much of a breakfast person but I might learn to like it. After breakfast, I was ready to go back to my room just as they'd ordered when Mrs. Gray grabbed my arm, "You have a visitor, Lexi".    

I went downstairs and she pointed me to a giant room with couches, tables, and chairs I hadn't even realized before. It looked like a 1930 cliché. It was Shaun, something about him always made me light up. People usually didn’t believe we were a couple because we are so truthful to each other, but that’s my favorite thing about this relationship. Shaun Ellzey is the best person I have ever met, he has this smile that just makes you smile, which was something you don't find too often. He gave me a huge hug, which was odd. He hadn't hugged me like that since I said yes to being his girlfriend, so what was going on?    

"Guess what!" Shaun said.    

"What?" I responded.   

"Amalia says you're only going to be here for four more days!"   

"Oh my god, that’s amazing" I responded, and I was happy, it was boring here.    

He stayed until the end of visiting hours at 10:00 pm, all we did was sit and chat. We had a relationship where we could talk for hours and stay interested and focused, one of the perks of being in love with your best friend I suppose. He kissed me on the way out, which wasn't surprising because I knew he liked kissing me, and he knew I felt the same. I walked up to bed and did the same as yesterday, instantly fell asleep.    

I grabbed the magazine under my bed when I woke up the next morning. Then someone came in and told me I was going home, but why? I still had three days left here, so why was she picking me up now, early? All I had was bright pink colored socks, and I never wore bright things, I abhorred it. I was worried about why I was leaving. Yet I supposed I wasn’t fazed that I was leaving. I enjoyed being here, the quiet, but I also missed home, missed my aunt, spending every1 day with Shaun, and my own bed.    

My aunt stood at the bottom of the stairs in hiking boots, which was odd. She never wore hiking boots, the only boots she wore were fashion boots, I didn’t care though, as bizarre as it was. I carried my blanket with me to the car and sat down. There was tension in the car, or maybe worry? Something was definitely off about this.    

"Honey" she began.   

"Yeah?" I responded.   

"They found her, down by the lakeside" she stated.  

  
"Oh" that’s all I could say.   

"The funeral is today, you're going" she was upset, I could tell.    
"Okay" again, the only thing I could say.   

I learned they found her body down by the lakeside, she always loved the water. She was a natural born swimmer, went to state nine times in high school. They gained their information on the location from an anonymous source. I absolutely hated when cops said ¨We gained our information from an anonymous source ¨. Even though they knew where the tip came from, but they didn’t feel like putting their money where their mouth was, typical. 

  
         The next day was the funeral, an open-casket since she didn’t decompose. Decomposition starts within the first 24-48 hours, so how didn’t she decompose? That wasn’t important, what was important was that I was there. I woke up, straightened my hair, got dressed, and I had set my makeup out when I heard the doorbell ring. It was Shaun. I needed him today, and he was here, always knowing when I needed him. With no questions asked he just hugged me, and I said: "Thank you". We walked up the stairs and he watched me apply my makeup, simple five minutes. I was ready just in time, hair done, makeup done, and black dress.    

We had to drive ourselves. My Aunt had left earlier this morning to set up. I was just thankful I wouldn’t have to be there longer than I would already have to. Shaun drove while I sat there quiet, again, no questions asked. We were there when he asked, "Ready?" and I said, "Be there to catch me when I tumble".    

I didn’t want all these people here, about 75 people, 75 reminders. I can do this I told myself. All it was, people in chairs and the casket. I took my seat in the front next to my aunt, and Shaun took his to my left. Front row seats at a funeral, I didn’t want this, but she deserved it. She at least deserved a proper burial after she went through so much, and I owed her this after she gave me life. I promised myself I would not cry, and I would not. The priest gave his speech on whatever he was giving it on, I couldn't listen, but I needed him to keep talking. I needed him to keep talking because I was the next speaker following him. Just like that, "Lexi? Are you ready?". I wanted to say no, but I pulled myself up sluggishly and went to the front. I spoke: "The worst day of loving someone is when you lose them. How do you accept losing someone, how do you deal with the loss? The answer is, you don’t. You just try to live your life. We will all face challenges trying to live with Jamie not being here, and some more than others. We need to think, this is what she would want, she would want us to be happy and successful. She would want us to keep going and moving forward. She would want us to be happy like she always was. Even though she marched to the beat of her own drum, she was one to always be happy, to count on, to love. She didn’t deserve what she got, or what she had, but that’s what she had, and so are we. So, let's make her proud and make her a legacy of say we did this for her, let's make her proud". Then that was it, everyone was silent, tears running down their faces. I felt better already, accepting this, and knowing what I have to do.   

After the funeral, I felt better. Better than I'd felt in the past year, was it knowing the truth of what happened and was what to come? I didn't care, I was done looking for closure and worrying about the fear of the unknown. The sweet feel of relief was impeccable, I never wanted it to fade, just stay the same and have closure. All my problems, POOF, was that possible?