Ashes | Teen Ink

Ashes

March 27, 2015
By A-C-Y BRONZE, New Taipei City, Other
A-C-Y BRONZE, New Taipei City, Other
2 articles 0 photos 25 comments

3:00 am

 

Diamond District
  Blinking my eyes open sluggishly, I push myself up to a sitting position, causing my head to throb with dizziness. I sweep my gaze around my surroundings. Flames eat at the houses and shops, blackening the walls, leaving them charred and gray. Roads signs collapse, bricks slid loose from rooftops, ashen, stilled bodies lay everywhere around me. Memories come rushing back, overwhelming me with sorrow, causing uncontrollable tears to slide down my cheeks. A cold fist of despair clutches my heart, sorrow and fear crashes down on me in large emotional waves. A sob escapes from my chest. I don’t remember much, but I'm hardly sure that all this destruction happened in one single night.

 

 

My family and I are asleep in the middle of the night as are the other hundreds of people in the district, it is the unmistakable smell of smoke and the sound of shouting and screaming that wakes me up from my dreams. Following the smoke, was the fire. I roll out of bed, coughing and fighting for fresh air, crouching low, I crawl as fast as I could to the window and lift it open. Quickly, I suck in much needed oxygen just in time. I glance down from the window, the ground is two-stories below. I can jump out of the window and land on the soft grass below, although I know it can cause a lot of pain. On the other hand, I will survive the fire. But there is one problem: Mum and Dad are still in the house. I damp a piece of cloth with water in the flower vase nearby and tie it around my mouth, I stay low and went back into the thickening smoke. My eyes water, but I didn’t care, vowing to myself that I'm not leaving without my parents. Flattening my body against the wall, I will myself to crawl to the master bedroom in total brightness and unbearable heat. I dodge greedy, spluttering flames that were claiming everything in its path. At last, I reach the bedroom. Inside, I see my mum coughing and screaming for me, but it ends up in a weak, dry croak.

  “Mum!” I shout, racing into her embrace. She wraps her arms around me tightly and murmurs comforts to sooth me. I bury my face into her clothing, drawing in the familiar scent. Unfortunately, we aren't in a situation that I would call "safe". She pulls away and holds me in front of her. She crouchs, leveling her height to mine, looking straight into my eyes with those blue, intense eyes of hers.
  “Sweetie, daddy’s still in the study, I have to get him. Be good and stay here. I love you.” She hugs me one last time before rushing into the fire. The ceiling came down right after she is out the room. I scream for her at the top of my lungs but it is impossible to hear me over the noise. The whole house tilts and starts to fall while I go down with it. I hit the floor, the impact squeezing the air out of my lungs. At first, all I feel is numbness, then after a while pain stabs at my shoulder. I grit my teeth from crying out, cringing. Then, for the first time since I noticed the fire, I smell something unusual, something other than smoke, something...out of place. I turn my head to where the scent is coming from. A masked figure a few miles away from me is lurking near another house and seem in a hurry. Something lits up in the figure’s hand and the thing is tossed towards the house. The light grows brighter and brighter until I realize that it isn’t any type of light…it is fire. The last thing I see before blacking out is the fire swallowing the house hungrily, bit by bit...

 

 

Now, I am here, in the middle of the ruins, helpless and grieving, grieving for the loss of my home and…my family. My home, my district as well as my house has been destroyed, nothing is left but ashes and ruins. The sound of deep humming coming from my right breaks through my thoughts. I turn and see a helicopter positioning to land. I try to stand, but find myself too weak to rise to my feet. What is a helicopter doing here? I stay where I am and observe. The whirling blades of the helicopter finally come to a stop, a man, a boy, and a woman climb out of the chopper and begin walking around the remains of my home. The boy turns his eyes my way and our eyes meet. He shouted for his colleages and races towards me. He crouches in front of me when he reaches my spot.
“You okay?” he asks, not knowing how to respond, I nod weakly, even though I am feeling anything but fine. The kind young boy with sandy-colored hair and deep greenish eyes who I estimate is no older than thirteen places my arms around his shoulders and hauls me off the ground with surprising strength, heading back towards the helicopter. He puts me in the backseat and wraps a blanket around me, giving me a reassuring smile. “You’re safe now, you’re in good hands, trust me.” All I can do is nod again and glance out the window, looking at the debris that was once my home, the only place where I belonged. A hand touches my shoulder.
“I’m sorry, I know what it’s like to lose everything at a young age.” It’s the boy, but I hardly hear him. The emptiness and numbness that was inside me is quickly replaced by cold anger and bitterness as I continue stare outside the window. One day, I’ll get my revenge. I’ll take down the man who destroyed my home and everything I had.



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This article has 15 comments.


A-C-Y BRONZE said...
on Sep. 1 2015 at 4:44 am
A-C-Y BRONZE, New Taipei City, Other
2 articles 0 photos 25 comments
Sure. Thanks!

on Aug. 31 2015 at 2:48 pm
SkippyPeanutbutter SILVER, Utrecht, Other
9 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Happiness can be found, even at the darkest of times. If one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore
"We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?" -the Eleventh Doctor

tell me when you've posted it, id love to read it

A-C-Y BRONZE said...
on Aug. 31 2015 at 4:52 am
A-C-Y BRONZE, New Taipei City, Other
2 articles 0 photos 25 comments
Thank you for your suggestion! Grammar has never been my strong suit, but I'll work on that! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'm currently work on some kind of continuation on it, and I would be thrilled if anyone would be willing to read that. :) Thanks for commenting!

on Aug. 30 2015 at 4:53 am
SkippyPeanutbutter SILVER, Utrecht, Other
9 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Happiness can be found, even at the darkest of times. If one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore
"We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?" -the Eleventh Doctor

This is really good, despite the grammar mistakes every now and then. My advice: write rough drafts. Anyway good job at this, the plot was really interesting and I'm dying to know more!

A-C-Y BRONZE said...
on Apr. 23 2015 at 7:23 pm
A-C-Y BRONZE, New Taipei City, Other
2 articles 0 photos 25 comments
Thank you so much for reading this and I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'll sure continue on! :)

on Apr. 23 2015 at 8:23 am
LittleTownAuthor533 SILVER, Middletown, Indiana
9 articles 48 photos 33 comments

Favorite Quote:
"At any given moment, you have the power to say 'This is NOT how the story is going to end.'"

-from a picture my mom sent me in an email (AKA Unknown)

wow this is really good. I hope you continue this, this is too good to stop! love it!

on Apr. 15 2015 at 3:16 pm
landpearl BRONZE, Shallotte, North Carolina
4 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Now I will believe that there are unicorns."
-The Tempest

Come on. You're already a great writer. Grammar backs up your storyline. Writing is putting thought into an event and getting it down on paper. That takes skill and it's not something they teach in school. That's how you know that you're a good writer; when you have good grammar and great thoughts.

A-C-Y BRONZE said...
on Apr. 14 2015 at 9:50 am
A-C-Y BRONZE, New Taipei City, Other
2 articles 0 photos 25 comments
Thanks for the advice, I'll try my best to work on my grammar, hopefully I'll make a better writer! :)

on Apr. 14 2015 at 9:23 am
landpearl BRONZE, Shallotte, North Carolina
4 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Now I will believe that there are unicorns."
-The Tempest

Good job. The only problem I saw with it is my bggest pet peve so I have to point it out; grammar mistakes. Grammar is what entices a reader to learn and idolize you. If you ever want a future at writing, you can never make a grammar mistake.

A-C-Y BRONZE said...
on Apr. 13 2015 at 5:48 am
A-C-Y BRONZE, New Taipei City, Other
2 articles 0 photos 25 comments
Thanks a lot for the advice and praises! I will continue writing! And I look forward to read more of yours too!

Beila BRONZE said...
on Apr. 12 2015 at 1:35 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

To repeat what everyone has said, this screams "Sequel!" I like the grand opening, and your descriptions are gorgeous. You can really see writer talent in there. However, do be careful with tenses and with commas. I am personally a huge fan of commas myself, so I understand you, but try to vary sentence lengths in your writing. Also, choose a tense and stick with it. Even outside the flashback, you weren't entirely in one tense or the other. When you get the technicalities down, that's what really allows you to showcase your talent and go crazy with those lovely descriptive words! You've painted some great pictures; I wish you the best of luck and look forward to reading more!

on Apr. 9 2015 at 8:32 pm
Allen. PLATINUM, Palo Alto, California
32 articles 9 photos 525 comments

Favorite Quote:
[i]No matter how much people try to put you down or make you think other things about yourself, the only person you can trust about who you really are is you[/i] -Crusher-P

I think there are really only two things to improve here, and both are technical. The first would be switching tenses- when you jump to the flashback, give a bit more warning so that it feels less confusing. The second would be sentence structure and general grammar. Just go through it, read it aloud, and edit a little bit for the small pieces that don't work. Other than that, you've done an amazing job and I want to read more.

on Apr. 9 2015 at 3:49 pm
Scorpio07 SILVER, Hertfordshire, Other
5 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
There are many launguages around the world, but a smile speaks them all - Unknown

oooooh! I really want to read on! Sorry to repeat what has already been said, but I hope there is a sequel becuase you are coming on to something great here. Can't wait to read other pieces of yours :)

on Apr. 9 2015 at 10:37 am
Jtatsu PLATINUM, East Brunswick, New Jersey
26 articles 0 photos 77 comments
I love what you have going so far. Your details really make your scene come to life, and other than what @CNBono17 said about switching between tenses occasionally (I do that a lot too in my writing :P), I have no complaints. :) Hope to see you continue to write!

on Apr. 9 2015 at 7:58 am
CNBono17 SILVER, Rural, South Carolina
5 articles 0 photos 248 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lego ergo sum (Latin—I read, therefore, I am)
The pen is mightier than the sword—unknown
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity—1 Timothy 4:12

I really hope your'e building up to something. The way you ended this screamed, "Sequel is coming!" You did a good job, though; you made me want that sequel. The story is emotionally evocative and well-written, with fantastic descriptions and painstaking attention to detail. Constructive criticism: a few times, you switched back and forth between past and present tense; try to stick with one the whole time. Other than that, though, you did very well, and I really really hope there's more coming! :)