It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Alder, woke up in a magical field. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling abnormally exasperated, Alder grabbed a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unsatisfying minutes later, he realized that his beloved book was missing!  Immediately he called his redheaded stepchild of a 'friend', Sabitha. Alder had known Sabitha for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were enticing ones.  Sabitha was unique. She was outgoing though sometimes a little... pestering. Alder called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Sabitha picked up to a very happy Alder. Sabitha calmly assured him that most albino cats yawn before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually surreptitiously grimace *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Alder.  Why was Sabitha trying to distract Alder?  Because she had snuck out from Alder's with the book only three days prior.  It was an interesting and mind grasping book... how could she resist?

   It didn't take long before Alder got back to the subject at hand: his book. Sabitha belched. Reluctantly, Sabitha invited him over, assuring him they'd find the book. Alder grabbed his horse and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Sabitha realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the book and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Alder took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, she had take at least eleven minutes before Alder would get there.  But if he took the short cut?  Then Sabitha would be alarmingly screwed.

   Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Sabitha was interrupted by four selfish marmots that were lured by her book. Sabitha turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling exasperated, she recklessly reached for her carrot and aggressively backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginary desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief.  That's when she heard the coach rolling up.  It was Alder.

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at the market place to pick up  12 bananas, so he knew he was running late.  With a apt leap, Alder was out of the coach and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Sabitha's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Sabitha was panicking.  Not thinking, she tossed the book into a box of daggers and then slid the box behind her hammock. Sabitha was exasperated but at least the book was concealed.  The door began to knock.

   'Come in,' Sabitha exotically purred.  With a deft push, Alder opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive coke fiend in a noise-polluting import,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Sabitha assured him. Alder took a seat tragically close to where Sabitha had hidden the book. Sabitha cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted.  But Alder was distracted. In a tragically predictable turn of events, Sabitha noticed a dimwitted look on Alder's face. Alder slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Sabitha felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Alder asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the book right by her raging heath. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A insensitive look started to form on Alder's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet legless puppies.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Alder nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Sabitha could react, Alder recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The book was plainly in view.

   Alder stared at Sabitha for what what must've been four minutes. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, Sabitha groped scandalously in Alder's direction, clearly desperate. Alder grabbed the book and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Sabitha let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Alder,' she rebuked. Sabitha always had been a little pestering, so Alder knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Sabitha did something crazy, like... start chucking live cannon balls at her or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, he gripped his book tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Sabitha looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Alder. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Alder. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Sabitha walked over to the window and looked down. Alder was gone.

   Just yonder, Alder was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Sabitha's place. Alder had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the book.  One by one they latched on to Alder.  Already weakened from his injury, Alder yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his book.

   But then God came down with His clever smile and restored Alder's book. Feeling stunned, God smote the marmots for their injustice.  Then He got in His Jap Trap and whizzed away with the fortitude of  11,000 spotted wolf hamsters running from a little pack of 3-legged wallabies. Alder vomited with joy when he saw this. His book was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite place to tell stories at,  Two rats bog tavern, was going to open soon. Alder was thrilled. And so, everyone except Sabitha and a few contraceptive-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.