The night was dark. Darker than the heart of society, darker than the last few Harry Potter novels. One actor in particular had decided to do a deed of dastardly proportions. "I'm going to rob a convenience store to save my Uncle Ben." Said Toby Maguire. "Those places make millions." What Toby doesn't realize is that for each and every plan, someone will die.
It seems as though Toby's uncle Ben had contracted 37 kinds of cancer, 35 of which from watching the Spider-Man trilogy. "I'm sorry, Toby." Ben said to him, laying in his hospital bed. "I just couldn't take it any longer. By the time the cancer had come, my immune system was worn out from your pathetic acting." "UNCLE BEN!!" Toby yelled. "UNCLE BEN DON'T DIE-" but his little rant was cut short by his uncle. "It's no use, Toby. Even when you're actually sad, all I see is this screaming banshee." There was an awkward pause between the two, and Toby walked out of the room.
This brings the story back to the first paragraph. Toby had the marvelous idea to rob the nearest convenience store. "If I can get enough money, I can feed it all to Uncle Ben and he'll be saved! At least, that's what the D.C. Comics executive told me." Yes, Toby had been informed that digesting coins and bills had cancer curing capabilities. And so he began his journey.
"First" said Toby to no one in particular, "I need to prepare." Just then, Europe's Danger On The Track began playing in the background. There was a montage of Tony doing various activities for about three seconds, such as working on a bench grinder, doing sit-ups with a homely old man, making coffee with the Mr. Coffee logo being clearly visible (endorsement through novels. What'll they think of next.), stabbing himself in the leg with a machete and screaming in pain, paying a random stranger to be his friend, and breaking the news to Russell Crowe that maybe singing just isn't for him.
After politely asking his mom to drive him to the nearest 7/11 and getting a firm "no" in return, he then beat her into near submission so she had no choice but to drive. And she could barely do that. "I might not have spider strength in real life," Toby said to himself, "But I do have enough strength in my ego to get what I want."
Toby was then dropped off in the parking lot of 7/11. He told his mother to leave, and she said "Okay, Maguirekins. Make sure that you don't get into any trouble while I'm gone, mmkay?" Toby replied with a potentially offensive gesture that I won't specify but involves extending the middle finger that is one finger left of the index finger from an open palm view of the right hand while simultaneously keeping all other fingers down. The meaning of the gesture is not dissimilar to the French word that translates to seal, "phoque", and a young sheep, a "ewe".
Toby entered the store, with a determined look on his face that no one could take seriously. He ran over to the milk section like a little pansy and attempted to punch the glass door open to get a Nesquik. His fist bounced off of the glass multiple times, and Toby gained a broken knuckle. A man was standing nearby, watching in confusion. “Sir, there’s a handle, you know...” Toby turned and looked at him.
“What do you want.”
“Nothing, you just didn’t have to be so dramatic about it...wait a minute. You’re that spider guy actor, aren’t you? Hahah. Whenever you tried to be angry it was the most hilarious thing.”
“I’ll hurt you!” Toby raised his fists. But it was no use. The man had gone into an insane fit of laughter because even when Toby was actually angry, it still looked just as hilarious as when he was acting.
“Forget about you.” Toby said, pushing the man aside. He made his way towards the cashier.
“I’d like to steal this Nesquik and all of your money. I’ve got a gun in my pocket and I’m not afraid to use it on your immigrant face.”

“Hey man, I speak english. There’s no need to downgrade me because of where I’m from. You don’t know me.”

“I know an immigrant when I see one.”

“I’ve lived in LA my entire life.”

“Has the rest of your family?”

“Well, no. But that doesn’t mean you can stereotype me as ‘an immigrant’. I’m just as equal to other races as you are.”

“You’re an immigrant and you’re a cashier. Way to go against a stereotype, immigrant.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“Oh, I’m sorry...PEDRO.”

“That’s not my name either.”

“Well my name isn’t Spider-Man but that doesn’t stop people from calling me that!”

“Wait a minute..you’re that Spider guy! I know you! Haha. Bro, your acting sucks.”

“I’M NOT ACTING. HAND OVER THE MONEY OR I WILL INSERT THIS GUN INTO YOUR HEAD. I MEAN PRESS THE GUN AGAINST YOUR BULLET. I mean...insert the gun into..INTO YOUR HEAD. I WILL PRESS THE GUN AGAINST YOUR HEAD. Yeah, that’s it.”

But it was too late. Pedro didn’t hear any of Toby’s incessant yelling. The cashier had gone into a fit of laughter that not even the worst of comedians could stop. Not even Carlos Mencia’s so-called ‘best’ material could stop this laughter. “Just take the money, man.” he said, in between his laughing. So Toby Maguire took the money and went outside, a fist of dollar bills and a Nesquik in hand. He dialed his mom’s phone number, ready to get picked up and head back to the hospital where Uncle Ben was.

SCENE: THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE. LIFE SAVING SURGERY TAKING PLACE.
“Scalpel.”
“It’s always the scalpel, isn’t it? The doctor always asks for a scalpel during surgery.”
“Just give me a Goddamn scalpel.”
“Okay.”
“Now, I’m going to make an incision here and here, and with these finishing touches, Ben’s cancer will be long gone.”
There was a long, ominous silence as the doctor cut into Ben’s skin. Just then, the door burst open. “UNCLE BEN!! UNCLE BEN I’M BACK I CAN SAVE YOU!!”
The doctor was startled by this intrusion and his scalpel ripped across Uncle Ben’s stomach. Blood flew in every direction. It was quite a sight. “IT. NEVER. GETS. ANY. EASIER!” said the Doctor, on his knees in sadness. He then stood up and walked out of the room, whistling.
Toby walked up to Uncle Ben’s slashed stomach. “Toby.” Ben said, through the gracious amounts of blood that were continuously splattering out of his mouth, he struggled to speak, “I've been watching The Amazing Spider Man on HBO. The one that came out in 2012. Andrew Garfield really does his role justice. I felt that he was truly angry during the emotional scenes.”
Toby stared at him with puppy dog-like eyes that just made him look even more stupid. “This is how you repay me? Uncle Ben, I have risked my entire well being and life just getting enough money to cure your cancer.”
“No gracious amount of money can just...’cure’ cancer. It goes towards research.”
“Yes it does. There’s a secret technique that no one knows about. You just have to eat the bills and coins and you’ll be cured. The higher amount of money the bill is, the more cancer-busting points it has.”
“Cancer-busting points? Eating money? Toby, have you been listening to that D.C. comics executive again?”
“No...now eat it.”
Toby thrust the money in front of Uncle Ben’s face.
“Toby, I’m not going to eat the money.”
“Yes you will.”
“No...I’m not.”
“Yes. You WILL!”
Toby grabbed a handful of dollars and coins and put his hand into Uncle Ben’s mouth, shoving the money down his throat. Ben was squirming and choking, and Toby continued to shove more and more money into his mouth. “EAT IT, YOU SON OF A B****!!” Ben had no choice but to attempt to swallow the money. But Toby was shoving it in too fast. Ben’s face was turning red, then blue, violently jerking in his seat, his stomach bleeding out more than ever. Eventually Ben stopped moving.
“There! Your cancer is cured!” Toby exclaimed. But Ben’s choked, mutilated corpse didn’t respond. “Come on, Uncle Ben. Stop playing.” Toby then realized that he had in fact killed the man. “What...no...UNCLE BEN NO!”
A nurse then walked in as Toby was having his meltdown among the bloody scene. After the initial shock, she burst out laughing.
“HEY. WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT.”
“Toby Maguire.”