The Supermilla

There once was a brave young heroine. She was the best person ever. She got people in trouble at the airport constantly because whenever she flew by they would all yell “You da bomb!” involuntarily. She could leap tall buildings in a single bound. She had the power to shoot lasers at people that could turn them into cows. She also had the miraculous ability to communicate with nineteen different species of radish. She was the Indestructible Camilla! She spent most of her super heroine days saving cats from trees, foiling international terrorist plots and most importantly, preventing the human race from becoming enslaved by the malevolent Nabil Kapasi!

One day, Camilla was working at her cover job as the assistant to the regional manager of a paper company. In the middle of complaining to the manager about the filthy microwave in the break room, her secret banana phone rang. “Banana! Banana!” it echoed through the office. She snuck out through the fire escape and answered it. To her surprise, the local news anchor Ron Burgundy initiated the call.

After getting off the phone, she knew she had a formidable job ahead of her. Her arch nemesis, Nabil Kapasi, had been discovered attempting to hijack the world’s jellybean supply. She shed her boring office clothes, exposing her super suit.

She began her flight to the Source. The Source was the fountain in the Himalayas where all of the world’s jellybeans emerged from the crust of the Earth. It was considered by the few that knew of its existence as the one and only wonder of the world, although few could claim that knowledge. Until now, it had remained one of the best kept secrets in human history. Someone must have spilled the beans she thought. No pun intended she added: this was serious business.

On her way there, she spotted one of the many monasteries in the region. Using her Camilla-vision, she zoomed in on the edifice. Predictably the monks sat in a full lotus position meditating. She sensed a problem though. While serene, they looked concerned. Obviously, they sensed something that could irrevocably rend the fabric of space and time occurring. Nabil had made enough progress to shift the balance of chi on the planet. She knew she needed to hurry, for the longer she waited, the closer Nabil got to his goal.

She estimated that only a few minutes that remained before Nabil completed the deed. She sped up, but hesitated and made sure the change very gradual. A sonic boom wouldn’t maintain my cover. It might alert someone. I don’t want them to send jets. They don’t know what they’d be getting into. The government knows what they’re hiding.

She had begun to feel the fatigue of the flight. Although her destination neared quickly, she knew she would be in no state to defeat Nabil after that journey. She knew that she needed help. The element of surprise remained her only ally. Although her Camillaflage deflected the hidden radars that became more and more frequent, she knew that he could still spot her a mile away. She decided to risk using more of her Camillenergy and went Camillinvisible.

Completely unnoticeable, she reached the Source. She was immediately unnerved by unconscious bodies of the guardians littering the ground near the entrance to the temple. Inside laid one of the world's largest mazes. It may take me hours to reach the center. Nabil’s patience is far too thin for such an obstacle, she thought. I'm sure he bypassed the maze entirely. Sure enough, she found a huge hole in the wall that tunneled straight into the heart of the mountain. She could see flames flickering in the center. Something was going down, and she was scared to find out what it was.

What she saw horrified her. Nabil Kapasi had constructed a huge robot in the likeness of a fat man. The construct towered at almost fifty feet tall and was eating the jellybeans as fast as the fountain could produce them. From what she could tell, he was trying to consume the flow of jellybeans long enough to reach the fountain itself. The Fountain’s only natural defense was the overwhelming ferocity of the current. At this rate, the fountain was mere minutes from being stomped on. Out of pure desperation, she let loose her Camillabeam. Sadly, she had wasted her element of surprise. The hull of the machine consisted of a metal he had invented for the specific purpose of deflecting her main attack. Nabillium was one of the strongest materials in the world and Camilla knew she would need time to damage it.

Noticing the blast, Nabil became aware of her presence. His unrivaled reflexes gave Camilla mere milliseconds to dodge his flying bananarang. At near super-sonic speed, he caught the projectile and took aim again. Camilla knew she was in trouble. Try as she may, she could not get close enough to him with the looming threat of his weapon. She darted behind the machine to catch her breath. They had sparred for mere seconds and she was tiring already. That flight took more out of me than I thought, she realized.

The gravity of the predicament she had put herself in was now evident. She knew Nabil was faster than her and could throw his bananarang at angles exceeding his field of vision. She had no idea which direction he would come from, and the threat of his trusty projectile was only enhanced by the reduction of the time she would have to react to it. She knew she was in more trouble than she had bargained for. She had three choices: stay where she was and wait to be attacked, take a guess and change around one side or another or flee and abandon the fountain. She was doomed.

…

Nabil Kapasi was not a man-boy-child that enjoyed wasting his time. He had spent the last four years of his life in maximum security prison. No doubt, he would not have been able to accomplish what he had without an IQ in the 2000’s range. Every day, he would use the plastic cutlery provided by the warden to scrape a miniscule amount of the fake plastic off the dollar-store food trays in the cafeteria. pocketing this dust, he would keep it in his jumpsuit pocket until he could return to his cell. There, as soon as the guards blinked, he used his supersonic speed to deposit the shavings carefully in his mattress where he had been constructing a ? scale of the Large Hadron Collider. He was so intelligent that he had figured out how to bend time and space so that he could fit all of it into his mattress along with his secret brick collection. The guards were constantly suspicious considering that every time they blinked, a sonic boom would erupt from his cell at the speed of him working. Eventually, he was able to finish the project and begin the real work. It took him months to create all the Nabillium he needed. He had resorted to using a rubber band to catapult the atoms around the loop.

He was slightly disappointed that the government had managed to cover up his escape using a robot made of a material he invented. It would have made quite a story. After his escape, he wandered around the tibetan plateau bored because he could. He spent his days beating people up until they told him their deepest darkest secrets and would occasionally leave an obscene amount of cats in someone’s house while they weren’t home. During one of hairball-filled escapades, he came across a letter that was literally made of jellybeans. Using his intelligence, he deciphered a code that would have taken a supercomputer as long to figure out as it would take for someone to count the number of candles on Larry King’s birthday cake. Here he learned about The Source, as this person, supposedly named Big V, had been invited to join their elite group of guardians.

He then proceeded to retrieve his robot (whom he had affectionately named Birbigleboo) and flew straight for the temple. After incapacitating the guards with a swarm of buffalo he summoned using his spontaneously-acquired witchcraft, he had only the maze left. Using simple mental analysis, he used the echo patterns of the entrance to determine the correct path through the maze. He estimated that this would take far too long at approximately 45 seconds to the core. He then instructed Birbigleboo to “make the wall go boom” and immediately gained access to The Source through the most crude of methods. Little did he know, the massive release of Francium produced by the explosion had been picked up by Ron Burgundy’s mustache and that Camilla would soon be on her way. As he loitered, playing Angry Birds on his iPhone while waiting for his robot to destroy the fountain, Camilla burst into the room and their scuffle ensued. Just as Nabil realized that he would emerge victorious the unthinkable happened.

Mere milliseconds before Nabil could finish her off, Batman swooped into the room. In pure shock of his awesomeness, Birbigleboo spontaneously combusted and Nabil’s hands involuntarily bound themselves. He was arrested and just as Batman was about to leave, Camilla showed her gratitude. She handed him the number to her secret banana phone that she had hastily scrawled onto a gum wrapper with lipstick. He looked her over, took the paper and burned it. He then arrested Camilla for tax evasion and fourteen different accounts of jaywalking.

Bruce Wayne returned to his mansion content. Today, he had done the world a great deed. Thanks to me, he thought, the world’s greatest terrorist, mastermind, and criminal extraordinaire is behind bars. A massive smile emerged on his face. “I did good,” he declared to no one in particular. A sudden realization popped into his head just as he was about to drift off. Hey, I also arrested that Nabil kid too. What a loser! And Bruce lived happily ever after.