Flower Girl (subject to change) | Teen Ink

Flower Girl (subject to change)

March 17, 2012
By KenyaLove41 GOLD, Dallas, Texas
KenyaLove41 GOLD, Dallas, Texas
16 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent." ~Ambrose Bierce
"Nothing is Impossible, the word itself says 'I'm Possible!'" ~ Audrey Hepburn
"Good writing is only bad writing revised"~ Unknown


As soon as her slender bare foot hit the lush green grass, she felt every inch her anxiety melt away with every step she took. Turning around she quickly slid shut the clear glass door with one hand and in the other held a thickly woven picnic basket.

Sarah breathed in a huge gulp of swaying air and surveyed the expansive surroundings before her, which told that winter was swiftly fleeting and spring was soon emerging. The warm spring air whipped around, moving as quick as lightning, billowing her light sandy colored locks then soon disappearing leaving nothing more than a feather light whisper. The sun's rays, half hiding behind the fluffy white clouds, played a teasing game of peek-a-boo. Sometimes coming out and heating Sarah's skin making her glad she wore her light white sundress and others escaping to the clouds leaving nothing but a cool breeze.

She walked farther and farther away from her house down the sloping hill towards the massive oak tree that humbly wait for her on just the edge of her plantation. Bright patches of colorful wildflowers surrounded the oak's gnarled roots which stretched out then sunk deep into the rich soil.

At last Sarah reached her sacred spot, tossing her woven picnic basket onto the ground and softly collapsing onto a bed of blooming white peonies. As much as she loved these magical, golden spring days she loved the land even more. Her sole passion; her sole purpose in life was gardening. She loved the feel of her gloved fingers through the rich soil and the ability to cultivate the land and reap it for all it was worth. A connection that had been inherited from her mother, who years ago had started a community garden for their small Southern town. This of course was her favorite place in the world with its wrought iron fences, tall looming cool trees that provided the shade and most all the gorgeous flowers.


For the longest time she only gazed up at the clouds floating lazily in the baby blue sky above as they morphed and transformed into odd shapes. As she squinted up at a particular pelicular cloud that appeared to be something like a duck riding in a spaceship, Sarah's stomach rumbled like an engine being brought to life with unmistakable sounds of hunger. Sighing, she hoisted herself up and grabbed her picnic basket.

The basket, thickly woven with multicolored stalks, was a treasured gift from her grandmother. She adored it dearly and used it just for these special early spring lunches. She pulled out her lunch and a book.

Sarah gently picked up her worn, weathered, dog-eared copy of The Secret Garden and as she devoured her meal, read over the yellowing, brittle pages for the seventeenth time. As the favorite and one of the only books she'd ever read, sixteen times was not enough to quench her desire for the beloved story. Lying back on the finely-cut grass, her stomach full of her vegetarian meal, Sarah became entranced in the pages once again when something made her freeze. The voice, soft and fleeting, almost seemed nothing more than gently breeze whispering in her ear but she was certain that she'd heard it. Either that or she must've been hallucinating. She slowly lifted herself up and hesitantly peered around the tree finding no body attached to the voice in sight. In fact if anything the voice almost seemed as if it was beneath her.

Cautiously, testing this theory, Sarah left her right ear lay flat against the cool ground until she heard it. Her eyes widened in unbelievable surprise as they called out to her once more.

The flowers. They were talking to her. The flowers were talking to her. Their voices, one dull incessant hum, that she couldn't believe that she'd ever heard before and when they came together, a sound of a unified mass it sounded clearer, sharper like someone speaking right in her ear.

Still slightly amazed and dazed, Sarah sat up blinking. Nervous laughter suddenly bubbled up inside of her and tumbled out in a mass tidal wave of choking sound. What was going on here? Was this some kind of joke? We're the peonies actually speaking to her? In all her years of gardening as much as she'd wish that the flowers she cared for would one day speak she’d never actually thought it happen.

"Sarah, Sarah," the peonies spoke swaying in the breeze as they called her name out like a sweet siren song, "Sarah....."
“What do you want? What's going on?” she questioned, reverently. She no longer needed to rest her head onto the ground to her them their voice as clear as day.
"You. We need you," they answered before ominously whispering," Sarah, save them......."
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Later that evening, on the evening news there was the rare occurrence that something actually piqued Sarah's interest. It was on a rather somber note as usual but it was an event that was happening in her area.

"In Jasonville, new reports say that the number of missing children in the area has increased to a total of six," a stony-faced beautiful news anchor announced. This made Sarah stop in her tracks as she crossed the living room from her small trip from her room. "This is after an early report on four missing children that had been kidnapped on Sunday. The other two were taken last night also in the place and police believe that the cases may be linked. No witnesses were at the scene and the Jacksonville Police Department is still compiling evidence."

Her mother, Mrs. Malbury, who sat on the couch, gave a weary sigh as her daughter collapsed next to her. She generally appeared distraught over the kidnappings which Sarah couldn’t help baffling at.

Mrs. Malbury sniffed and gave a stiff smile, “I feel for so sorry for the Parks and those other families. How about tomorrow we bake some cookies, and get some flowers then deliver it to them?" A genuine smile planted on her face at the thought of someone being her next charity case.

Sarah nodded but her thoughts were a million miles away as she pulled away from her mother's frail arms and slowly walked back to her bedroom. There was something about these kidnappings that plagued her mind. Even as she snuggled into the covers ready to go to sleep that night she couldn't help but let herself think back to that afternoon. The flowers had mentioned something about saving ‘them’, mysterious people who were in need of her heroism but who was that exactly? It would almost seemed like a floating dream, some lazy afternoon hallucination if it hadn't been for those haunting words that kept repeating her head like a pressing mantra: save them, save them, Sarah, save them.....

The rest of the week passed by fleetingly, an army of thundering storms causing the late afternoon lunches to come to a halt until another one of those bright spring days came again.

Sarah sat at the base of the oak again this time without the hope of getting too immersed into the pages of The Secret Garden but rather with the sole intention of becoming immersed into the peonies words.

She if thought that she would have been able anticipate the next time the flowers spoke and able to be not the least bit surprised she was wrong.

"Sarah... help us”, the words made her nearly jump up in shock, the way they crept into the air so anticipated but yet unexpected. It made her shiver.

"Help who? What do you want?” Sarah answered, apprehensively. She wasn't laying back against oak anymore instead she was sitting up alert, tense. Her body ready for something unexpected to happen but then maybe that didn't make it so unexpected.

A hot wave of wind brushed against her cheek as the flowers spoke, almost as if they were caressing her, “You have to save them...the children...you have to save the children...from the bone witch."

"What?" Sarah asked but her voice sounded faint, far away. This was really happening, this was really real. They needed her for something this couldn't be hallucination, could it?

"The bone witch....she'll kill them...help the children....save..... them.....soon...,"their words seemed to be coming in short fading frantic burst now something that made her anxious.

"How?" Suddenly the question hadn't been what is going on? And this really can't be happening, can it? But rather if she really was going to save these kids then how? How would she even be able to locate them or even rescue them or----

Before she could even begin conjure another thought or say anything really, there was a loud whooshing noise that filled her ears. And then Sarah wasn't there anymore.

Sarah felt herself imploding; exploding into a billion particles then being suddenly rearranged and shuffled then rearranged again. A kaleidoscope of color from strange places and past times blurred around as she shot like a rocket across time and space. Then a loud pop filled her ears like a bubble bursting out of existence and she reappeared.

Opening her ice blue eyes, she came to in a large field. No, not a field but a bed of soft flowers; white peonies to be exact. She was still slightly shocked that the flowers had actually teleported her here, curiously wondering what other things they had in store. Sarah felt a tiny bit woozy as she picked herself up and surveyed the area around her.

A wave of familiarity washed over Sarah as gazed upon the long, immaculate rows of blooming crisp flowers, the fading black wrought iron fence that surrounded the place and the tall looming trees that provided a cool treetop of shade but yet let just the right amount of sunlight filter in. It was garden but not just any garden but the Jasonville Community Garden. Memories of planting beds of new flowers in the spring with her mother and frolicking in the beautiful grass lawns on lazy Sunday afternoon filled her mind as she asked, “Why’d you bring me here?"

Amazingly she could still hear the flowers breezy whisper all around her, maybe because they're we're so many of them, “The children....find them...before it's too late..."

Behind her, Sarah noticed the large wrought iron gate for the first time. It was apart of the garden that she didn't recognize and a long spotty trail of suspicious crimson liquid stemmed from the gate. Without another glance behind her, Sarah stepped past the gate and into unknown.

She followed the trail of blood into the mysterious section of the garden. Cold, chiseled stone statues sprang out from the ground, long and forgotten slabs of marble---tombstones----were infested with twisting grass proving that maybe that this wasn't a garden after all but a forgotten cemetery. In the middle a weathered marble fountain stood crookedly. Sarah walked over towards the edge to find not water flowing at the base but blood and in the center of that a small child.

Sarah rushed over the aid of the child, pulling him out of the fountain and setting the boy onto the soft grass. Her hands bloody, she checked feverishly for a pulse only to be met with silence and a stone cold body.

Too late. She was too late and now there was a dead toddler in her arms. Before a choked sob could escape her lips she remembered the news report claiming that this hadn't been the only one. There were five others, hopefully alive and waiting. She would save them.

Gently letting the boy fall from her arms, Sarah proceeded towards the small shabby shack that was at the end of the cemetery. Her bloody fingers pried open the weathered door as she slightly feared for what lay beyond. She prayed for the rest of the children, well and breathing to behind the door and not the horrible bone witch come to offer the same fate as the little boy.

To her relief and joy, five children were huddled in a corner. Their faces dirty and eyes round with terror and pure fear. Tattered clothes hung loosely over their skinny, unfed bodies and coughs racked the bodies of the older ones and tears ran silently down the faces of the younger ones.

Sarah ran over to children wrapping them up in a huge hug overcome with love and peace, "Your safe now, your safe...,"she murmured

"Or are they?” A sinister voice cackled behind her and Sarah turned to see her worst nightmare.

A woman, or rather a skeleton of a woman stood over them. Her green, decaying, hanging skin sagged on her frail figure and black hollow eyes stared at them blankly like she didn't have a clue at what she was looking at. Her features were pulled back into a tight grimace that bared her sickly yellow teeth and could only be described as a "smile". She wore a long dress of assorted bones that clanked when she moved and had a femur bone lodged between her nostrils. There was no doubt in Sarah's mind of who she was. The bone witch.

"Run!” Sarah barely got to choke out before the bone witch's arm shot out and she began to mutter her evil curses.

The children didn't need to be told twice they all scrambled out of the shack with Sarah at the back left to fend off the bone witch's attack. One of the bones on her dress flew out to meet Sarah, missing her head narrowly. She sped out of the shack as quickly as possible, the witch hot her heels.

"Go! Go!” she frantically urged the children, “Past the gate!"
The bone witch smiled evilly as Sarah scrambled away from her reach, “Don’t think you just escape me, girl!” she rasped, hurling more of her bone arrows in Sarah's direction.

At last Sarah reached to gate, joining the children and commanding them to gather around the flowers. She was only steps away from the bed of peonies when the bone witch aimed a sharp bone straight for her heart.

A loud whoosh resonated in her ears as she gripped the children feeling her self being sucked into a warping black hole. A pop cracked the air and Sarah found herself alive on a mat of soft familiar grass with the five children next to her.

She stood up, her breathe ragged and hitched and her mind still reeling over the past events. She had no idea what to do next---tell her mother? Deliver them to their parents? ----but that didn't matter because they were safe. And most importantly alive.

And if anyone asked her how she found the children, she'd just crack a wry smile and tell them that the flowers had told her.


The author's comments:
This peice is actually my first finished one ever sice i have such a hard time ever finishing any of my stories. Please note that the crappy title is subjected to change

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This article has 20 comments.


on Apr. 23 2014 at 12:42 pm
WOWriting SILVER, Broadstairs, Other
5 articles 0 photos 266 comments
Hi. I thought this story was really great, but maybe too many adjectives? I used to use about a dozen per sentence so I can relate ;) Still really great story tho and some good ideas, maybe could have extended it to have some sort of chase or fight? Loved it other than that!

CammyS SILVER said...
on Nov. 1 2012 at 5:07 pm
CammyS SILVER, Papillion, Nebraska
5 articles 0 photos 188 comments

Favorite Quote:
No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft.
H. G. Wells
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
Mark Twain

Hey! Well, I really liked the story but woah! there was way too much description! There were also a few grammer errors, but otherwise your only problem is description. Tone it down a little.

on Oct. 29 2012 at 8:16 am
Stella_Val_Illicia GOLD, Salt Lake City, Utah
13 articles 0 photos 247 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea."
--Douglas Adams

There are a couple of grammar mistakes that I noticed, and a bit too many adjetives (just a little suggestion: try using similes and metephors instead), but overall, this is a brilliant story, and I absolutely loved it

on Oct. 29 2012 at 8:16 am
Stella_Val_Illicia GOLD, Salt Lake City, Utah
13 articles 0 photos 247 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea."
--Douglas Adams

There are a couple of grammar mistakes that I noticed, and a bit too many adjetives (just a little suggestion: try using similes and metephors instead), but overall, this is a brilliant story, and I absolutely loved it

on Aug. 13 2012 at 12:11 pm
LadyFreeWill GOLD, Okemos, Michigan
13 articles 0 photos 14 comments
  Hey there! So, off the bat, you’ve got too many descriptions. As a reader, I tend to shy away from stories that add everything single detail possible. You’ve got ‘slender bare foot’ and ‘lush green grass’ in the first clause, and so the story starts out with a sluggish feel. Then there’s a small error –“she felt every inch [of] her anxiety…” <== Don’t forget the ‘of’!     Since I have a feeling there’s going to be quite a few typos, I’m just going to list your main problems (and also some specific problems) and hope that later you will read over your story by yourself and fix them.     1. Punctuation; don’t forget to add commas! Often times you’ll use a dependent clause before an independent clause, and you have to remember to put a comma at the end of the dependent clause –the short phrase that can’t stand alone as a sentence, in case you don’t know what that is. Example: “Turning around [COMMA], she quickly slid shut the clear glass door with…” (<== Note the overuse of adjectives in that sentence as well. Also, ‘clear glass’ is pretty redundant. We know glass is clear, you don’t have to tell us again.). Makes sure not to  OVER punctuate, as you do at the end with the excess of hyphens. One will suffice.     2. Swaying air? Really? What’s that supposed to be?     3. Make sure not to ‘run on’ in your sentences. You’ve got a really long sentence in your second paragraph that could and should be two separate sentences.     4. Verb tense! I’m sure it’s just a typo (did you type this up from another piece of paper?), but there are several places where you forgot to add and ‘-ed’ to the end of a verb.     5. Redundancy –“Her sole passion; her SOLE purpose in life was gardening.” Okay, readers can get it the first time. Look out for this type of mistake. It happens a couple of other times in your story.     Overall, I’m giving you a 3/5 stars. I suggest reading out loud to yourself as a method of self-revision, or having a family member read the piece to you.  Grammar/Spelling: 4/5 Punctuation: 4/5 Creativity: 5/5 Believability/Plot: 3/5 Flow: 3/5 Appeal to readers: 2/5

DanielM SILVER said...
on Aug. 12 2012 at 1:14 am
DanielM SILVER, Kent, Washington
6 articles 1 photo 245 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I would rather hated million times for what i did then loved a million times for what i didn't do." - Daniel Moto
" I've sought out to be the best i could posibly be but when i hit a roadblock in life what did i do, i had two choices either stay at the roadblock or i take this roadblock and make of it and go around it and achieve my goal. So, what will it be?"- Daniel Mathia

"People take love like its a four letter word or just a phrase that you tell people or your friends all the time. But in reality love is much bigger than a merely phrase or 4 letter word. Instead love is a genuine promise or covenant to that special person."-Daniel Mathia

“Why change yourself when you were made perfect and wonderfully by the creator of everything?” – Daniel Mathia

“If live is not hurtin then were really not living in.” – B. Reith

I really like this. Great Imagery. Great descriptions. I really like your message! This is story had a great plot line. Suggestions: few grammar issues but no worries

on Aug. 3 2012 at 4:20 am
Pika_Princess, Escondido, California
0 articles 0 photos 118 comments

A very interesting story with a very interesting plotline. You have great descriptions and a lot of imagery; however, just remember (and you did do this in the beginning a bit) too much description isn't always a good thing. You don't have to focus on every little detail.

I really liked the idea behind this story and now for some comments, questions, and suggestions:

1. There were a couple of grammar mistakes and typos, but I'm sure you can find them if you read through it one more time and they should all be easy fixes.

2. The scene with the news seemed a bit set-up. From that point, you could tell that she had to save the children. Try to make this a bit mysterious. If the children had been missing since Sunday, then Sarah would have heard of it before hand. Maybe have her and her mother baking cookies and you get subtle hints that something with children happened (cookies being for the families).

3. When Sarah is first transported to the garden, I would think that she would questions the flowers a bit more and they would tell her to go and find the kids. She suddenly seems sure of herself and what she has to do. She's supposed to be a regular girl, so where did this newfound bravery come from? Fear and uncertainity would make her a bit more realistic.

4. Why did the bone witch kill only one child? Why not more? And why did she even need the children? These could be things that the bone witch reveals...which leads to another point:

5. The bone witch is the main villian; therefore, she should have a bigger role. That confrontation scene should be more detailed and longer. 

6. The kids were missing for less than a week or so, but their description brings up the image that they  have been missing for months. 

I really liked the ending. It was hopeful and still left some questions unanswered, but that's a good thing since it makes the reader continue to wonder. I hope I was of some help!


on Jul. 21 2012 at 11:40 pm
WhenItRains21 GOLD, Magnolia, Texas
12 articles 0 photos 54 comments
First off, there were grammar mistakes. Besides that, I liked it. It was an interesting concept, with something around every figurative corner. Personally, I loved the description you put into everything. I would say with a bit of editing, this would be a nice, polished story. Keep it up :)

on Jul. 19 2012 at 11:21 pm
eurasian_hybrid BRONZE, Los Angeles, California
2 articles 6 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"My hands have not touched pleasure since your hands,-/ No, nor my lips freed laughter since 'farewell'."
- Hart Crane (1899-1932)

Interesting story. The beggining was a little dragged out and there was kind of a lot of description. The descriptive words you used were really good, though. I probably would never have been able to think of them. ;) But try to leave some of it to the readers' imagination. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? So let every reader see something different. And try to shorten the beggining a bit too. No offense but honestly, I kind of skimmed and I also think that the end could have been dragged on longer and have been more descriptive. Build up a little more suspense, you know? But overall it was a really good story. Great job!

on Jul. 19 2012 at 11:21 pm
eurasian_hybrid BRONZE, Los Angeles, California
2 articles 6 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"My hands have not touched pleasure since your hands,-/ No, nor my lips freed laughter since 'farewell'."
- Hart Crane (1899-1932)

Interesting story. The beggining was a little dragged out and there was kind of a lot of description. The descriptive words you used were really good, though. I probably would never have been able to think of them. ;) But try to leave some of it to the readers' imagination. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? So let every reader see something different. And try to shorten the beggining a bit too. No offense but honestly, I kind of skimmed and I also think that the end could have been dragged on longer and have been more descriptive. Build up a little more suspense, you know? But overall it was a really good story. Great job!

on Jul. 19 2012 at 11:07 pm
PhoenixCrossing GOLD, Tinley Park, Illinois
14 articles 0 photos 178 comments
I really liked this piece. It was different and I never knew what was coming next. It definetely reminded me of Alice in Wonderland. I would prefer a little less description, even though your details are phenomenal, but that's just my opinion. Also, your word choice and style are very strong. The only thing I would change is when you would use a strong adjective twice because then it sounds dull. This happened with "wrought" "weathered" and a couple others. Also, the story would be perfect if you would give it some time and then look over it because there are minor grammatical and spelling mistakes that probably kept you from being published. Finally, the story line was amazing. The only thing is that I'd like a little more background information on who the bone witch is and why she took the children. Overall, great job!

on Jul. 19 2012 at 5:21 pm
KenyaLove41 GOLD, Dallas, Texas
16 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent." ~Ambrose Bierce
"Nothing is Impossible, the word itself says 'I'm Possible!'" ~ Audrey Hepburn
"Good writing is only bad writing revised"~ Unknown

Thank you, Waffuleez for your criticisim I really apreciate it and this stuff is what is going to make me a better writer.(:

on Jul. 17 2012 at 8:01 pm
Apollo77 PLATINUM, Brunswick, Ohio
20 articles 0 photos 103 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.”
"Madame, all stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you."
-Ernest Hemingway

I like this but it was soooo rambly. Way too much unneccessary description, you have to hold my attention. The beginning is dragged out and the end is rushed, but the idea is cool and you are a great writer

on Jul. 17 2012 at 7:18 pm
augustsun02 SILVER, Hamburg, New Jersey
9 articles 0 photos 76 comments

Favorite Quote:
Write. It doesn't matter if you're overjoyed, furious, miserable, or what. Write to keep those emotions in check while managing to grow stronger.

Just a few notes I took while reading. Don't take them the wrong way, they're meant to help you improve your writing.

 

1. There are some places where you needed commas and didn't use them, and there were places in which you had unneccessary commas

2. When Sarah found the children and said, "Your safe now, your safe..." you used the wrong word. You should have used you're

3. "The children didn't need to be told twice they all scrambled out of the shack with Sarah in the back left to fend off the bone witch's attack." Alright, firstly, this is a major run-on sentence. Look at the difference in what I thought you could have done to avoid the run-on: "The children didn't need to be told twice. They all scrambled out of the shack, leaving Sarah to fend off the Bone Witch's attack." See the difference?

4. Bone Witch is her title/name; it should be capitalized

5. "This is after an early report on four missing children that had been kidnapped on Sunday. The other two were taken also in the place and police believe that they cases may be linked."

     -Instead of just saying that they were taken on Sunday, why don't you specify on when they were taken on Sunday? Was it the evening? The afternoon? Early morning? Be specific.

     -Did you perhaps mean that the children "were taken in THE SAME place..."?

     -Other than saying "...and police believe that the cases may be linked" you could have tried something like: "...and the police believe the cases to be linked in some way."

 

Alright, I promise I'm done now. Sorry to seem nit-picky, but it's just how I am.


on Jun. 27 2012 at 12:03 am
luv2bLDS BRONZE, Peoria, Arizona
4 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough.

Very interesting idea! I like it! You are very good at descriptions, but my only advice would be (like the others) using less adjectives. Instead, find other ways to describe things, like similes, metaphors, strong verbs and nouns...I love your imagery, by the way. Overall, a very nice story!

elizamc83 GOLD said...
on Jun. 8 2012 at 4:27 pm
elizamc83 GOLD, Concord, Massachusetts
17 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"From now on, I don't care if my tea leaves spell 'Die, Ron, die,' I'm chucking them in the bin where they belong." -Ron Weasley

nice job! you're definitely good at descriptive writing. i agree with the others, my only criticism is maybe use a few less adjectives, because i think it could flow better with not as many. keep writing! :)

on May. 17 2012 at 1:22 pm
jeseer PLATINUM, Auburntown, Tennessee
22 articles 0 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Truth without love is a killer, but love without truth is a liar. The Bible commands us to have both: It says to speak the truth in love."--Elliott Nesch
"To love another person is to see the face of God."--Victor Hugo

I haven' read the whole story, but I can't get past the adjectives. It may be me, but you use a superfluous amount of adjectives. It makes it hard to read. I'm sure it's a good story, though. Less is more;)

on May. 8 2012 at 8:08 pm
WSwilliams GOLD, Toronto, Ontario, Other
12 articles 3 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you keep writing, you will pick up structure. You will pick up form

- Richard Matheson

I'll be generous and give you five stars. I agree with the ithers, their are a few grammar errors and words missing in some sentences. as for the title, it's okay. But, what I do is think about the story and find some very good words to describe it as your title. I felt this story could've been a little bit shorter, but I started out writing long stories like these too, so keep try to keep it a little bit shorter. I also liked the dark twist you put in the middle, it really struck me and got me interested. Now if you want some pointers on your next story, read a story of mine called, "Last Life" and please give me feedbakc as well or a rating as well. Thanks!

on Apr. 5 2012 at 12:14 pm
TheWordSmith SILVER, Placerville, California
5 articles 0 photos 51 comments
- There were quite a few grammar & spelling errors, so I would read over your piece of writing one more time to correct those.
- You had excellent word choice. I, personally, didn't feel that it overpowered the story, but rather, added to it.
- The plot was very intriguing and kept me interested the whole time. However, I felt like the end was a bit rushed. Sarah saved the children and then... well, The End. I felt that it left me hanging. I wanted to live in the moment. So perhaps add more details there about what the children were thinking, how Sarah was feeling, what Sarah did, etc.?

Starflyer423 said...
on Mar. 31 2012 at 6:16 pm
A couple of grammar mistakes and a few too many adjectives but overall not bad. I really like the story. Please keep writing! and if you find the time can you check My Name is 57? thanks!