Don't Mess with a Man's Purse | Teen Ink

Don't Mess with a Man's Purse

February 12, 2008
By Anonymous

It was a cold, dark night and screams could be heard, as a fat preacher was getting mugged by a church. “Give me my purse man, oh god’s going to put a butt whooping on you boy,” the preacher said.
“I don’t believe in god,” said the mugger.
“Oh no you didn’t. Forget about god, I’m going to put a butt whooping on you myself! Get over here! Then the pastor grabs the mugger, takes him to the ping-pong table, and grabs the ping-pong paddle and starts whacking him in the butt. You’re going to start believing in him now sonny.”
“Please, please stop it,” the mugger said.
“No, and he drags him over to the holy water and dips his head in. Now drink the holy water and hope that god has mercy boy.” He takes his head out of the water.
“You’re Crazy!”
“No, now what's with you trying to mug a little, old, fat preacher’s purse.”
“I got into some bad gambling debts and I needed the money to pay him off, otherwise he’s going to kill me.”
“Kill you! That’s breaking a commandment, take me to him now.

The preacher grabs his medal baseball bat and they set off to the guy’s house. When they reach the house a tall scary looking man comes out. “What’s the matter, do you have my money, who’s this guy?”
The preacher says, “this guy is the guy that’s going to put a butt whooping on you.” So he takes his baseball bat and hits him in the gut.
“Owe! What the heck was that for?”
“You said you were going to hurt this boy and that’s breaking a commandment. He whacks him again, and then the guy hits the pastor. Oh no you didn’t.”
He pulls out a bottle of holy water and walks inside the mans house and he finds a bowl and pours it in it. “Come over here now, preachers says. The man does. You do not hit a preacher and he forces the guys head to plunge into the holy water. What are you going to do now?”
“I’m going to bring in my gang. He pushes a red button on the wall and out comes a guy who appeared to be muscular and have a shocking resemblance to an ape. Then comes out a scrawnier guy, but he had weapons, he hands one off to both of them. Joe (he points at the muscular one) get him, Tom (he points at the other one) lets get the boy!”
“Run!” The preacher yells and the boy and the preacher run into the silver mustang the gang member must have owned.
“Do you know how to hot-wire a car?” The boy says.
“No but I’m going to find out now. He pulls out a bunch of wires and starts to connect them. It miraculously works and they’re off speeding down the highway toward the church. You never told me your name by the way.”
“It’s John.”
The gang quickly catches up with them and starts shooting, but the pastor takes a quick, but sharp, turn into the church parking lot. They run into part of the church with the car.
“Oh that’s going to leave a dent, now get in side,” the pastor Says
“Where’d they go?” Joe says.
“In side the church,” Tom says.
“Hide,” says the pastor.
They both split up and John goes upstairs into a huge room where he guessed people prayed. The pastor went into a kitchen and hid under a table.
“Come out, come out, Joe says. Gotcha.” He grabs the pastor.
“Let go, let go,” the pastor says.
“No and you are one heavy pastor. The pastor reaches and grabs a pan that was on the table and whacks the guy over the head. Joe falls down out cold.
“Have a little of this, it’s good for you. says the pastor and he sprinkles some holy water out of a water bottle and onto the guys face. I’m glad I always carry a little holy water in my pocket, it’s always comes in handy. Oh no John I forgot.” He runs for the stairs. Meanwhile John is trying to escape as he hides behind the organ when he sees to shadows.
“He’s got to be in here,” Tom says.
“Come on kid we won’t hurt you,” the gang leader says. So, they walk in front of the organ John makes a decision and slowly gets up on the top of the organ and jumps on to them. There's gunfire and the pastor hears and races to the door and opens it to where John was. Miraculously there John sitting on top of the two men, with the guns at his feet.
“John are you okay, I heard gun fire?”
“Yeh, I’m good, the gun fire happened when I wrestled the guns away from them. We should call the cops.”
When the cops came, they grab the three guys and put them in handcuffs. “I’ll get you for this,” the gang leader says.
“Oh no you won’t, says the pastor and he pulls out a bottle of holy water and squirts him 0in the face. You’re going to jail, ha ha now you can’t hurt this boy anymore.”

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