Welcome back to the black-hole time-sucking wasteland known as Youtube, HipsDontLie6969! It’s been an eternity since we’ve last seen you. What, a whole two days? Unacceptable. You have 53 videos piled up in your subscription box– a record high! How have you managed to survive without staring at Michelle Phan slap makeup on for five minutes or watching yet another adorable puppy video? No, don’t look away from the screen. You still need your daily dose of prank-gone-wrong videos and low-budget trailers for movies you’ll never see. There we go, two hours you’ll never get back!

Oh, but you’re not done yet. In fact, we’ve barely just started!

To tell you the truth, we’ve been worried about you. First you haven’t posted an Instagram picture in three days, now you’re talking with your friend and haven’t checked your phone in over five minutes. What’s next, no more selfies every three seconds?  Don’t make Siri ask you what’s wrong.

This is getting incredibly unhealthy and you’re showing signs of all the symptoms: being attentive to other people, engaging in conversation, good god, even LOLing (or as the prehistoric barbarians used to call it, “laughing”). I’m afraid you have a severe case of the “Life’s So Much Better Not Looking Through A Screen But Actually Enjoying the Present Syndrome”. I’m afraid recovery is not going to be an easy process. People complain about recovering from cancer or a surgery, yet they don’t understand the amount of work it takes to find a post-worthy selfie with just the right cleavage-to-duckface ratio. Then you need to find an adequate (usually irrelevant)

caption, maybe another Taylor Swift lyric or movie quote? How about a good ‘ole hashtag? “#selfiesunday #hashtag #love #girl #boobs” it is . Oh, don’t even get me started on the filters. Yet the hardest part of healing is relearning the unspoken rules of “text language”: to be able to type“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” without a remnant of a smile on the face or decimate the English language so u tlk lik dis and sound rly smart lol:)
Recovery is also hard on your loved ones, as you slowly sink back into to the habit of taking pictures of your food at the dinner table instead of eating it or texting while your Mom has, or at least attempts,  a one-sided conversation. This journey back to health will be full of glazed eyes and relapses back to reality, but #webelieveinyou.

We see a large cause of this sickness is due to that boy you’ve been flirting with in math class. Don’t think we haven’t noticed-- like Google, we know everything. Also like Google, we’re here to help and make sure you don’t have to use your own brain for anything. If you would like to talk to him, text him instead! Everyone knows talking online is the same if not better than in person. You get to filter your true thoughts and hide behind a rampage of smiley face emojis. If that doesn’t work out, welcome to Tinder! With just a swipe right, this mobile dating app matches you with sweet sentimental guys who are looking for nothing short of a lifelong romance (long walks on the beach and kisses in the sunset not included). 

Next, we’ll prescribe a strong dose of Twitter; make sure to take this at least once an hour. After all, everyone is dying to know where you are, what your mood is, and what you're wearing at all times, Now don’t forget, if you want to heal faster, make sure to also subtweet your ex-boyfriends new girlfriend around once a week, because who doesn’t love a good twitter fight.  Sure you could be paying attention in class, but Nicole’s status on the cloudy weather seems much more important . Favorite.

As the saying goes, pictures/videos or it didn’t happen. This treatment is one of of the best cures towards your diagnosis. What would be the point of going to a concert if you didn’t take a video? Concerts used to be about the live experience, the intimate connection between artist and fan, and the swarming energy that causes people to dance, laugh, sing along. Never mind that when now you can capture it and just re watch it again later. This applies when you hang out with friends as well. Make sure to take as many pictures as possible so you can brag about your friendship through “candid” laughter photos and Snapchat stories--then you can go back to “hanging out”, aka being in each other’s presence as you both stare away at your phones. Have you ever walked into a silent room where everyone’s heads were craned down, scrolling through their Facebook newsfeed? Satisfying, isn’t it? Silence speaks louder than words.

You seem to be doing much better-- pale ghastly skin, a sore neck from constantly looking down, and the inability to go to the bathroom, or anywhere really, without your phone seemingly attached to your hand. You used to make small talk with the stranger in the elevator or only Facebook friend people you really knew, but fortunately we’ve successfully removed those malignant actions. Now you’re a living success story: socially impaired with  +800 Facebook friends who couldn’t give a rats ass about you!

With our current treatment, less and less people are getting struck with this contagious virus. Luckily, we are starting vaccinations at a younger age, with little kids playing on smartphones instead of outside and taking bathroom mirror pictures before they’re tall enough to reach it. By the next five years, kids are projected to have smartphones handed to them right out of the womb! In the age of technology and advancement, those struck down with the syndrome are dying out while the rest of the population is progressing forward. I’m glad you were able to recover and join us.  Make sure to follow the necessary steps to prevent the “Life’s So Much Better Not Looking Through A Screen But Actually Enjoying the Present Syndrome” from resurfacing. Have as many social media applications as possible and when in doubt, never look up. Your screen is your reality. If you’re reading this off paper (does that still exist?), you’re doing it wrong. Oh, well pardon me, I forgot to look at the time! It’s that time of the day again. Welcome back to the black-hole time-sucking wasteland known as Youtube, HipsDontLie6969! It’s been an eternity since we’ve last seen you. What, a whole two hours?