A shatter of glass. An incessant ringing. Sounds that shook me from a different
realm to face an unbearable reality. My mother’s body convulsing on its own. Her face
becoming paler by the second as life was being drained out of her. I was there in body,
but my mind was floating above me watching as the scene unfolded on its own.
I could see myself shouting desperately, tenderly shaking her in fear that any
remaining piece of her would fall off. The unconscious tears that slid down my mother’s
deadly calm face fed me with a hope that she was still alive. Bright red and blue lights
flashing across my face accompanied by a crying siren that filled my ears. I remember
seeing strangers rushing past me and shouting foreign commands, taking my mother from
my shaking hands. Then, after all the chaos was gone, there fell an eerie silence
enveloped me as I was left alone waiting. All these images burned into my once naive
mind.
If you would have asked me later on that day what had happened or what did I
do? I would have not been able to answer your question. My mind had those memories
hidden from me providing me protection from myself, but little did my mind know that
its safe haven would not last forever.
No one spoke of what happened. No one dared utter a word of why it happened.
Everyone hoped that it would go away like a passing fly, but like a fly, it will eventually
come back until it is let out.
I started out with little things. A slight acceleration on a sharp curve. Sneaking out
past bed time to hang out with friends. Building up lie after lie, sometimes in hopes of
being caught just so I could let some anger out. Slowly, my life was going into a
downward spiral. Not only was it affecting my personal life, but it was affecting me in
school as well. I began caring less and less about whether I made it to school on time,
whether I kept my grades up, and even if I made it out alive before my junior year. I was
being swallowed into a dark pit of despair without a sliver light to give me hope, but as if
it were a miracle, I saw a ray of light that shook me to my very core, waking me up from
a restless sleep and made me see reason. A reason to continue on with my life and realize
that I had a purpose.
I soon discovered that I needed to speak with someone about the dark storm that
kept brewing inside me, before it was too late. At first, it seemed strange speaking to
someone whom I knew nothing about. Was she thinking I was a freak? Does she even
care? Why am I doing this again? All those questions ran through my head in fear that
she would judge me, but as soon as I saw her warm smile, I knew she would not. Hesitant
at first, I began to trust her and confide to her my secrets. She, herself, reciprocating with
unbiased looks and caring advice. Progress has been slow, but since then I have become
stronger, and have been able to mend together the once broken pieces of me.
Everyday I feel a difference in myself since the day my mother tried to overdose.
With the help of my psychologist, I have been able to let go of those haunting memories,
and pull myself out of my drowning depression. Because of the help my psychologist
gave to me, it inspired me to pursue a career in that field. I would like to help those who
are or have gone through a traumatizing event.
Everyone deserves a helping hand no matter what they are going through. I
always wonder what would have happened if my mother would have had that helping
hand. Would it have prevented her from wanting to end her life? How my life could have
been different if had not gone through that? Well, I want to be that helping hand for those
who need it. I want to be that change in their life that turns out for the best.