So, what do you do? You are flying down the road because you are late for your friend's birthday party. Just as you are about to make the turn, you see those lights flash behind you. You can’t afford another speeding ticket. You won’t believe how I get you out of this pickle.

Evading the law has been a lifelong passion of mine. From jaywalking to being out past curfew, I’ve stretched the law. Now, I want to be a more reformed man. I am introducing a device that will calculate the price of your ticket based on your reason. There are multiple steps in the formula.

Step 1: Insert speed. Speed ranges are from 5-10 over, 11-20 over, and 21+ mph over the speed limit.

Step 2: Insert reason for speed. This device uses an AI that can understand phrases of reasoning. For example: a birthday party, a tragic hospital visit, and a recent heartbreak.

Step 3: Insert proof of reason. This will allow verification and to correctly sort the reason into a category. For example: birthday invitation, panicked family group text, screenshot of breakup text.

Step 4: Allow the machine to do its work and print out your payment. It even accepts Venmo and Apple Pay!

You may ask, is this all necessary? I mean after all, don’t we hire police officers to decide this? While this is true, this allows an unbiased punishment for crimes and will give police officers more time to pull people over and save up their brain power for later detectives. Because the officer does not decide the punishment, we don’t have to waste any electricity on powering those pesky body cams anymore. 

Now, you might be wondering what happens if someone wants to fight their ticket in court. Just like how the ticket is powered by AI, so is the appeals process. In court, will receive a laptop and talk to the AI that wrote the ticket through ChatGPT 4. This way, you will get honest answers to your questions and there is no chance that the AI’s answers will bounce around your questions. We believe that this is a very fair appeals process and will leave both sides satisfied. 

Some may challenge if it is ethical that the AI cannot lose these court battles, but we feel that blind trust in the AI will work out in the long run. Relying on human emotion is something that we have done for far too long. Once we stop letting our emotions guide us, and start to let an open source AI do it, we won’t ever have any more problems. 

I have already started to do my part of the process. As a practice run, I drove 50 miles over the speed limit, but only got a fifty-dollar fine because GameStop just restocked PlayStation Fives! By accident though, one employee drove fifteen over because her daughter had just gotten in a fight at school. After some calculations, the result ended up being a small five years of jail time with a chance of parole after two. Though she disagrees, our company and AI believe this punishment will end this type of crime. This is an adaptive AI and will use the results to shape its future decisions. To give more realistic results, it will tap into the biases of current police officers and use them to shape its decisions. We see nothing that could be wrong with this practice. 

Our mission is to better deal out justice using AI, and create a more fair future. Though some people may get screwed along the way, the end result is worth it. Too many speeding tickets are dismissed because “I need the hospital” and “I am going to get fired if I am late again.” Your life being in danger should not dismiss the traffic rules from which our country stands. Before this ends, I want to leave you with one question. Are we really going to let that pregnant woman speed to the hospital to give birth? Or are we going to stand up for the twelve-lane highways that all of the founding fathers had dreamed of?