What It Feels Like | Teen Ink

What It Feels Like MAG

December 4, 2018
By Anonymous

My mom tells me, “Go walk the dog.”

So I grab the leash from its hook by the door and a plastic bag from the cabinet, and yell through the house, “Addie! C’mon girl, time to go potty!”

Addie is only a couple months old. As she bounds toward me I smile at the way she teeters, still unsure of how to keep her legs under her. I crouch down to greet her, giving her head a quick pat before I clip the leash to her collar and we head out the door.

I walk down the block, Addie sprinting in front of me, eager to reach the park near our house. As we go, we pass the Brown’s and the Thomas’s and the Thompson’s. I think about the people in all those houses that I’ve never talked to, only knowing their names by word of mouth.

We reach the end of the street, stopping just across from the park, Addie bouncing in excitement. I take a deep breath, but it seems those two seconds were too long for the puppy at my feet. Addie lurches forward, yanking the leash from my grip, and galloping over the pavement.

I move to run after her, but a car is zooming past. By the time it has left my vision, so has Addie. I cross the street after her, calling,”Addie! Addie! Come here, girl!” but she does not appear.

I can feel the panic seeping from my blood to my bones as I realize that she is gone.

I run back to my house, narrowly avoiding another car as it whooshes past; its tail wind blows my hair into my eyes. I am sprinting down the sidewalk, desperate to reach home, to ask my mom what to do because she always has the answer. But when I reach my house, I find I am locked out. I bang on the window of the room where my parents are watching some old film, but they do not hear me – they do not see me.

I pull out my phone to discover that it is dead. I walk to the front door to ring the doorbell. I bang my fists, but no one answers. I sit down on the front steps, tears in my eyes, utterly unsure of what to do next.

I shiver in the cold and reach to pull my coat tighter, but my fingers touch only skin. I look down.

My coat is not there. Neither is my shirt. Or my pants. Or my shoes.

I am naked.

I am sitting in the cold, stark naked for the whole world to see, and yet no one seems the least bit bothered with my existence.

I pull my knees to my chest, curling into a ball, trying not to scream as the mailman walks up the front path, places our mail in its slot, and walks away.

The cold is eating at me now, taking over my blood and bones from the panic of earlier.

I am tired, and there is nothing left to do. So I lie down on the steps, my hands tucked under my head, and let myself drift away.

This is what depression feels like.

This is how I felt as my world crumbled over my first semester as a junior. Everything I knew was falling away and I was left naked in the cold. Depression took away everything – my relationships, my writing, my pride, my happiness. It was devastating, but I made it through … I’m making it through.

And each day that I am still breathing, I wake up to Addie curled next to me.

The author's comments:

We all deal with our own struggles. This is what my biggest one feels like.

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This article has 18 comments.

jayden32 said...
on Aug. 2 at 11:35 am
jayden32, Oconomowoc, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
How is this a college essay

on May. 5 at 8:40 pm
butitsyou BRONZE, Los Angeles, California
1 article 0 photos 2 comments
Wow. I really love the timing of the essay and how it unfolds. It's hard to explain what depression feels like to those unaffected by it, but your piece did an amazing job at capturing that. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and keep writing!

on Mar. 13 2022 at 1:51 pm
akiwi_mushroom, North Attleborough, Massachusetts
0 articles 14 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Every person has the power to change their fate if they are brave enough to fight for what they desire" ~ Stephanie Garber

Literally chills

on Jul. 24 2021 at 12:27 pm
iwantapseudonym SILVER, Seoul, Other
6 articles 19 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Call me Velvet Thunder." - Captain Raymond J. Holt of the 99th Precinct

This really touched me. I also suffered from depression during the second semester of my sophomore year and I also have a puppy–she's a bichon frise. Thank you for writing this. This made me know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

isaswenson said...
on Jan. 13 2021 at 10:52 am
isaswenson, New York City, New York
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
poor addie!

imposter said...
on Dec. 4 2020 at 9:37 am
imposter, Blue Mound, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
Oh god, this was a really good story, and sorry that you feel like that i hope you get better.

on Nov. 17 2020 at 3:48 pm
GermanReadingGirl2, Atlanta, Georgia
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
test from admin

on Oct. 13 2020 at 11:12 am
Star-Wars9549, Sartell, Minnesota
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This is a really good story. I’m sorry you had to go through this.

on Jun. 23 2020 at 1:51 pm
ForgottenEcho PLATINUM, San Diego, California
21 articles 0 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
sanity is overrated.

Wow. That. Was. Sooo. Good. I’m glad you got over it. I just hate it when pets die.

on May. 31 2020 at 8:44 pm
DanceStarPointe, Green Bay, Wisconsin
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This is a very very good story! Great job!

JusHereTho said...
on Apr. 21 2020 at 1:44 pm
JusHereTho, Cavespring, Georgia
0 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
You become the most dangerous when you learn to control your emotions. - Anonymous

This story gave me chills!

DarkSoulFoxy said...
on Apr. 16 2020 at 2:58 pm
DarkSoulFoxy, None, Utah
0 articles 1 photo 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
Why reach for the stars, when you can BE the star? ~DarkSoulFoxy
(This popped into my head 1 day. IDK if someone has already said this before.)

Oh my gosh!! I love this. i know exactly what you feel i'm glad your making it through

on Mar. 13 2020 at 2:18 pm
Ihatebullying1239085, Buena Park, California
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

on Mar. 5 2020 at 11:04 am
xavierthegoat, Forth Worth, Other
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
bro this story is a nice story

Robert214 GOLD said...
on Jan. 18 2020 at 9:13 pm
Robert214 GOLD, Guangzhou, Other
11 articles 0 photos 45 comments

Favorite Quote:
Make the best of what is within our power, and take the rest as it occurs. -Epictetus

An amazing story!

on Jan. 10 2020 at 12:30 pm
WolfieDW BRONZE, Mountain View, California
1 article 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If my life was to be just a single note in an endless symphony, how could I not sound it out for as long and as loudly as I could?" - Lauren Wolk, Wolf Hollow

THIS IS A WONDERFUL STORY! Congrats on getting into the Magazine!

Mateo1514 GOLD said...
on May. 31 2019 at 8:33 am
Mateo1514 GOLD, Asuncion, Other
10 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do as you please, learn how you want, but always write with your heart." (Mateo Conde)

One of the best articles I've read in a very long time. Good Job!