When I first thought about college I was sure I wasn't going to go. I knew I couldn't afford it, are you kidding me? College is super expensive. I've been attending public school since I was in kinder. I've never got the chance to attend a private school where I had to pay for my education. So of course I didn't want to think about college at the time.

The first time I started thinking about college seriously was probably my sophomore year in high school. I started figuring out that I have plans and goals that I could achieve if I attend college after I graduate. Now I'm a senior and yes I still have college in my sights but now I have my doubts. Can I even afford it now? No I can't but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to go. Do I want to go to college? I kind of do and I kind of don't. I'm so indecisive about it all.

On one hand, I don't want to go because my mom and dad are worried that I won't come back, dead or alive. They're worried that I won't be able to survive on my own out there. The colleges I'm looking into, well I have no family whatsoever near those areas. So I will be ALL ALONE. It terrifies me. Also, I've never really liked going to school but I understand that the college life is different. It isn't your typical, everyday, school setting. On the other hand, I want to go because it's a new experience. It's a brand new life. I could recreate myself, experience new things, broaden my education, and create new memories. It all sounds so fun and exciting but the "what ifs" keep coming to my mind.

What if I can't survive? What if I can't afford anything? What if I fail? What if I can't go back home to my parents? All these questions swarm around in my mind and I can't help myself but think, maybe I'm not ready for college yet. Maybe college isn't for me. I have little to no experience in working, or anything really. I stopped playing sports in middle school, and I barely joined any clubs in high school. Maybe I'm just not that all around student that colleges look for.

I just don't know what to do. It's something I want but at the same time, I want something else. Like they said, "College is right for everyone." Am I that person? Is college not right for me? All this thinking and deciding, it's stressing me out. I'm scared I'm going to make the wrong decision either way and I'm going to ruin my own life before I've even started.