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Swipe, Insert or Tap to Pay

March 29, 2022
By dalbey BRONZE, Scottsdale, Arizona
dalbey BRONZE, Scottsdale, Arizona
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments

When you get to college, make sure you have access to your parents' money. That’s the point of having parents, so they can buy anything and everything. After all, there will always be something you need. Your parents may try to tell you that your wants and needs are not necessary, but don’t listen to them, what do they know? They might have walked the Earth with the triceratops and velociraptors, but they can’t possibly understand the necessities of a college student. 

Food, for instance, is obviously necessary. If your friends are going out to eat every day of the week, you should too. No one in college goes to the grocery store. Just eat out on your parents’ dime, drinks are included. Cheers!

 Going out for happy hour requires a cute outfit. Remember: never wear anything more than once. There should always be clothes with tags in your wardrobe. Shop constantly—on your parents’ credit card. Don’t be the girl who asks to borrow a top because you “can’t find anything to wear”. Focus on keeping up with the latest trends and dressing to the nines. 

Although you will frequently Uber, make sure you have your own set of wheels. And don’t forget the diamond frame for the license plate.

Everything in your life needs to be glamorous. This includes where you live. The dorms are disgusting, so get an apartment. Your parents will happily pay your rent. They’ll also purchase all the decor.

In college, you should join the best sorority. Don’t worry about how high the dues are, everything’s included. Plus, your sorority sisters are more friends to dress up and go out with. Forget about racking up tabs, the memories last forever. You only go to college once!

When you join a sorority, you will notice it takes more than stylish outfits and a cute apartment to fit in. You need long nails, done every two weeks. This will become one of your rituals. If your hair isn’t already blonde, bleach it. Never let your roots grow out too much, that’s shameful. Don’t drink coffee. Drink green tea (preferably from Starbucks). It has more caffeine and makes you skinnier. These all must become a part of your routine, and a part of your parents’ bank statement.

Never get a job. No one in college is expected to work nine-to-five. If your parents want you to get a job, tell them you already have one. Brands should be sending you free clothes to promote on your social media by now. You’re officially an influencer. Although you won’t be cashing checks, you will have more time for all the other important things in your life, like shopping!

Parents might have some questions after viewing your receipts. They might say you don’t understand “the value of a dollar”. Well, they don’t understand how hard it is to keep up with all this spending. It’s not easy being entitled. Any parent would be lucky to have a daughter like you. Who would want a daughter that cooks her own meals and suppresses her shopping addiction? Or even worse, a daughter that earns her own money and doesn’t recklessly spend her parents' savings? 

If you have drained your parents of every last penny, that’s not your problem. Parents are responsible for funding your lifestyle. You aren’t responsible for monitoring your spending. No one expects a college student—let alone a young adult—to have such mindfulness. Besides, everyone knows money doesn’t grow on trees, it comes from your parents' wallets. All things considered, make sure you still have that credit card. How could you possibly live without it?

The author's comments:

A humorous take on the dependency of college students on their parents' finances.

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