I was sitting in my doctors office yesterday
and she asked me if I ate all three meals
matter-of-factly stating i look hollow
shoulder and hips 90 degree angles
cheekbones acute triangles

I respond “sure” while making eye contact directly with the ground
because technically it is the truth

rushing out the door to school
I bypass the apple and the cereal
greedy hands grasping four blue oblongs, three white capsules, two yellow tablets and a single purple dose
containing just enough energy to propel me until midday

I guess i never really ate breakfast anyway.

in the school bathroom
white shaky hands fumble that familiar orange cylinder
three speckled pills resembling the remains of blood splatter on a white wall
two tablets the texture of flour that expired in ’06
one thin line of lightning through a rolled dollar bill

I guess i was never a fan of cafeteria bulls*** to begin with.

back in my sanctuary
with its spills and stains and jasmine incense
frantically ransacking the drawers and cabinets
unorganized makeshift pharmacy
pulse pounding in my head like the rock in Abel’s

starving for that instant when
my toes drift slightly off the white carpet and my being is solely a breath of air
thirsty for the numbness that rages through my body like a fire
consuming my inhibitions
absolving my sins

the last dose sets itself apart
wrestling with the cap
“push down and turn” is not as simple through
a concrete cloud of mephitic smoke
one, two, six, ten, eighteen, twenty two
somersaulting down my throat
violently catapulted by a dusty bottle of moonshine

I guess I’ll never know if twenty three would have done it.